Gnarly

There's a pattern. I have a good week, when I fell like I'm pretty much back to my usual self, but then end up pushing too hard, mostly out of necessity (so much having been left undone), and consequently paying the price. There's a kickback that's hard to describe, a kind of closing down, like being booted up into Windows 'Safe' mode!

Although I'm becoming more accepting, my natural reaction is still to fight against myself. It is on these days that I seriously question the point of continuity as far as my portrait journal is concerned, or the point of it at all. It's still not as easy for me to do as it must appear from the outside - which is kind of the point: fulfilling a need to push myself out of my comfort zone. Several times this year I've made a decision in my head to let it go, preferring the comfort of solitude, yet on each occasion I've had people approach me, rather than the other way around, today by a group who were after having their picture taken together with one of their phones. It's an easy jump to then taking out my own camera. It feels very much like I'm not supposed to give up on this project, whether there is a point to it or not!

I understand that patterns repeat. It's a pain but at the same time quite reassuring. When I'm 'down' I know that an 'up' awaits.