Which way will it go today?
I was dreading today and have been for over 2 weeks.
Was on red alert when I woke up this morning, it went to amber on the train journey to work (unusual) and within a few seconds of starting the "thing I was dreading", it turned to green. To say I was chuffed would be an understatement.
It’s hard to explain why it worked out like that, because it could so easily have gone the other way. People often say to me, “It won’t be as bad you’re expecting” as though that will miraculously both make me feel better and come true. The truth is though that things are often *just* as bad as I’m expecting… sometimes even worse.
I’ve started thinking more about WHY certain situations make me feel the way they do. And why, like today, I can feel totally fine. It may help me if/when I go for a diagnosis plus, who knows, it may help others who can relate. I know that hearing about other people’s experiences has helped me massively.
The room I was in for most of today was spacious* with lots of natural light*, I was facing a window* and the temperature was just right for me*. I was sitting at the side of the room* on the same side as, and close to, the door*. I wasn’t sitting near to anyone* and didn’t have anyone behind me*. Last but not least, I felt comfortable with the people there* and didn't have to say very much ***.
This may all seem odd to the majority of people but these factors are massively significant to me.
I still struggled with writing things down because there’s always a delay from me hearing something, digesting it and then understanding… by which time we’re on to something else. That’s when I can start to get a bit anxious.
At the end of the day, whether I have AS or not, I seem to share many of the same experiences as people that do and it can be good to compare notes :)
Today was good and now I'm going to enjoy a glass of wine x
* = allocation of Brownie Points