That Old Roundabout Again

Continued work on the Ancient Rome MOOC, then took a break and drove to the old house to check the mail -- nothing.  No problem, drove to the supermarket in the area to pick up some staples, then home again, but deliberately passed by the roundabout I passed by last year to shoot the wild flowers.  There weren't as many and it wasn't as sunny, but the area was lovely just the same.  Parked where I parked last year and walked onto it and shot quite a lot.

Today, I put on FB --
'The old Ellaphant is dead.
Time of death: 16.27.
Period of mourning: 2 min 17 sec

The past has lost its shine, even the little of it that was left.  The other country and every connection I had with it has lost all meaning.  I have to get used to this.  Practically all the positivity that I had to enable me to look at it with 'fresh insight' has gone.  It has become just something I happened to experience, with no more depth or significance, just a sequence of events, and I feel almost nothing.  I realize one thing -- when you care about something or someone so much, you fight for it, you scream inside when things go wrong, you want to throw the first stone at whatever is hurting it.  That feeling with regards to the other place has completely evaporated.  For a short, very short, moment, I felt bad about letting go.  I was behind the wheel and it felt briefly as though I was two people in one, and then one of the two disappeared.  Maybe what I miss isn't the other country.  What I miss is the fight I used to put up, in the illusion that to fight for it was the right thing for me to do.  Well, that fight is over.  Right now, I just want to live.  The rest will follow.