Boundaries

For years, people I love have reminded me that I need to set boundaries. Say no. Draw the line. “If you always say yes,” I heard when I was in my twenties, “you wear yourself thin. You’re no good to anybody.” 

Today I forgot an important commitment. I said I would be there, and I wasn’t. She depended on me. Several days ahead of time, she reminded me of this commitment and how important it was to her. I said I would be there. I wasn’t there. 

When the phone call came, I was too far away to be of any use. 

I’ve been showing up for too many events, taking too many photographs, trying to process just this 300, or that 250 photographs before the next event, the next 400.... When I take on too much, then I’m unable to be fully present in this moment. I’m no good to anybody. I can see it in the photographs. 

There is arrogance in thinking I must show up for this thing, and that thing, and yet another thing, as if the world will not spin without me. It will. Kendall, I say to myself, as kindly as possible, and yet firmly: if you do too much, you'll do none of it well. 

After I failed to keep that important commitment, I spent some time with a good friend in this sun-drenched window nook, re-committing myself to setting healthy boundaries, to remembering commitments, to saying no, so that I can say yes, fully yes, when I need to.