Floored

I felt quite positive today after the weekend. It seemed to lift my spirits somehow, and even though work is a downer, it's nice to have a bit of escapism at the weekend I suppose.

Unfortunately the good spirits didn't last too long. I went to see A this week, she was away last week so we didn't have a session. About half way through she stopped and said she had to talk about something. And she floored me by saying she's going to finish counselling, and we have a few weeks left. Totally pulled the rug from under me. I couldn't think straight, and it rendered the rest of the session useless. I felt very upset, but I had to try not to show it, and kept saying "it's ok, I'll be fine, etc" i.e., all the 'right answers'. But A is not a therapist for nothing, and she asked me why I was saying I was ok when clearly I wasn't. I suppose that's my default, and lots of people are the same, saying everything's fine in order to save ourselves somehow, maybe from the pain. I suppose it's quite sad to not be able to acknowledge one's real feelings, even in a 'safe space' so to speak, but I don't do tears very often, and perhaps that was why I went to see her in the first place.

I ended up diverting the talk to my job, because it's something I know how to talk about. That and when the tears inevitably came, I knew I could pretend they were about work. I wanted to run, but I couldn't, so I was sort of stuck there, my leg refusing to stay still and swinging back and forth continuously through the last twenty minutes. In a way the tears were a good thing as I'm long overdue a good cry, and I am a bit stressed about work, but I know I was really crying because it's terrifying being left alone. 

My way to cope with hard stuff is to avoid/block/try to deny feelings, but the problem is, it's not authentic and it doesn't really work. And the thought of not having A to talk to every week makes me feel horrible. I feel worried that I'll turn in on myself again, because talking about life, even to friends, isn't the same. She's one of a kind, and I couldn't replace her.

But I suppose on the other hand I've had four continuous years of therapy, and even though she has said to me in the past 'it's ok to be ok and still come to therapy' there is a danger you rely on it as a crutch, and I wonder if sometimes it's like the patient that never gets better. 

I came home and had a good cry, and didn't feel good. But I've tried to block it out since. I feel horrible inside, and I have to get through it. I feel embarrassed for crying yesterday, but it's a bit silly as A has seen me cry plenty of times over the years, it's part and parcel of the job! I sort of don't want to face it next week, but there's no choice but to man up and get on with it. I think it's brought up some bad memories, of things happening out of the blue that leave you distraught, and that was in part the reason I started on the therapy journey in the first place. 

I have been looking at doing a counselling course for quite a long time, but never had the courage to take it any further, or ever mention it in our sessions, in case A thought it was silly. 

But I'm thinking I might take that step, and who knows, one day I might be an 'A' myself ;-) She's certainly had a profound impact on my life, and if she's helped a thousand people like me, then what a great gift that is.