Emotions

I've been feeling relatively depressed lately. I'm not sure how to handle it, I don't know if I want to be on my own or next to people or if I want to eat or starve myself, or just anything really. I don't know if I even care sometimes.

People
I feel like I really have to ignore my emotions now. I have no one I feel comfortable with to share them with. I can't even get myself to type the things that are bothering me so much in a Word document so I doubt I can share them with anyone else. My family feel really distant lately, though I doubt I'd ever burden them with anything like this, I've always tried to keep things that bother me away from my family as they've got other things to care about than my silly emotions. I don't think my friends care about anything I say, my two main friends always respond to me as if they just want me to stop talking to them to the point where I'll only message them if they do first or if I see something that reminds me of them. My partner is always so busy with his gaming and keeping himself fine that I just feel like I can't say anything to him either. So I'm left with my cat. And even still I'd feel like a burden crying words of sorrow to such a beautiful little creature. So I just keep it all in.

Jenny
My most important friend died last year. She was the one who I could literally say anything to and I wouldn't even care. And she wouldn't even care. She never judged me. She never laughed at me (unless it was the appropriate time to). She never accused me of anything. She never hurt me. And she never expected anything in return, which made keeping her by my side all the more worthy. The only thing she ever asked of me was to keep her identity private. She never used the internet. She had some stuff that stopped her being able to. I'd never let her be found by the people she feared. I respected her wishes to stay hidden. I was allowed to use her name. Her first name. Jenny. 

Studying.
University feels like it went really well for me, but I still feel empty with it. I can't tell if I've picked the wrong degree, if I'm disappointed in not making many friends or if I even want to be studying anymore. I know it'll be best for me later, but surely losing what's best now should matter too. The final part of the semester really fell for me, like I lost hope and commitment to it. I still have three grades to wait for now. Communications Assignment 2, Image Music and Text Assignment 2 and the Renaissance Exam. I hope I did well in them all. I'm guessing they're all around 60-70, so if they don't fit in that range I'll be quite upset (less it's higher, of course). My Student Finance has also been fixed for next year now so I'm back on track for that.

Job
The people that supposedly "hired" me still haven't gotten back to me. Given they only told me I was hired and there wasn't yet any paperwork filled out, they've probably just thrown me out without saying anything to me. I've contacted them many times now and I don't think it's even worth trying anymore with them. I've been applying for a few jobs that are just Summer Jobs now because it'll be perfectly fine for me due to my fixed SF. I just need to have some sort of income by September so I can get by in that month. I may have to borrow from my mother as I don't feel I could ask that much from my partner, despite being able to give that much for him in a heartbeat. Thing is, if he did help, he'd get it back from me within 11 days of helping, so I don't understand why it's so difficult for me to ask. My mother would probably help me in instalments from now to early September so she doesn't see it drastically fall from her monthly pay. She'd definitely get it back by October also, which could help her with Christmas presents anyway! There are a few little jobs that I applied for that I'd really like so hopefully I can get that. 

Expectations
I'm really annoyed that I've let myself be this person that people expect everything from. They expect me to be there for them when they're sad. They expect me to help them when they're sick. They expect comfort, support and help when they NEED it and when they WANT it. They expect my help in difficult situations, that being working, finance or even studying. But I can't expect any of this back. I have to help everyone with all of this but then I also have to go through the whole lot on my own. It ends up being, not only, stressful but also degrading. Am I really that worthless that I can be pretty much turned into a slave when people can't do things themselves, but the second they're fine I'm no longer existent. Or when they don't need anything and I do I'm still non-existent. 

Emotions
Emotions are a tough thing lately. I pretend to be happy for the majority of the day now, that is if I'm around other people. When I'm on my own I give up the act and just leave myself as I am. I caught someone out on a lie today which made me extremely upset. I don't know if it genuinely is a lie, or if there's another part of the story but it's been really heartbreaking to think that they'd lie about something like that, especially when it was during a time when I desperately needed them. When I needed to be comforted and supported, they told me the "lie" and it made me feel a little better knowing I wasn't alone in the situation. But now I feel like I don't know. It's probably such a stupid thing to seem upset about but it genuinely is devastating to think that they'd even find that acceptable (if it does end up being a lie) and I just don't think I can stick with it. Not only this, but I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. Things that are way too personal for a stupid blog post, things that are just too personal for me to let out of my mind and things that I wish would mean something to more than myself. My head is constantly so full of emotions and I just wish I could just say something without being told that what I'm saying is "silly" or "retrospective" or someone twisting it to make their own story more relevant than my own. 

Boyfriend
I don't think him playing his game all day bothers me anymore. I know I mention that he probably cares about that more than me but it doesn't get to me how it used to. I've accepted that he needs to let off his own energy. He once told me it makes him happy through the concept of "escapism" and I really don't think my shit is worth stopping him from enjoying his day-to-day life. I'd much rather this was the case, I love him too much to make him as miserable as I am. Especially when I can't find importance in myself so why should he have to? 

Besides this, I feel like we're doing really well. It's almost been a full year now which is amazing given no one has ever liked me before. We have a flat, we're both studying, we're looking after Alani, we're basically a little family. I'd like to say a successful one at that but then that would be complimenting myself slightly and I don't think I can do that. 

I've been trying to feel more comfortable with myself lately so I can be less "me" around him. I've been hoping the increase in confidence will reduce some of the miserableness from myself and therefore increase the amount of valuable time we can have together. I always value our time together because, for me, I don't get to see anyone else. I don't have anything to do with myself all the time, so when he returns home from working/playing his game I feel a lot happier to see him, where he sees and talks to people all day so it's probably less for him.

I don't feel like mentioning anything else as my head is too full and it hurts a lot to even try to keep going, so here is the end of this for today.