All Points East

I went to a festival today. I inadvertently said yes to an invite I received earlier in the week, having decided after SW4 last August that I probably didn't need to go to another festival in my lifetime. I'm not sure why I said yes in the first place.

It was boiling hot, I didn't like my hair, what I was wearing etc. Oh yes, and it was my time of the month! But I went, and in lots of ways, I did have a nice time. I went with a guy I've seen twice before on dates. I sort of want to just go with the flow and be more curious etc, but even though when we talked, it was very enjoyable, I just wasn't feeling much of any physical chemistry, which whichever way you look at it, is important at some point.

I also knew I couldn't/didn't want to stay until the end, and after five hours or so, I said I would make my way home. I think he was disappointed, and I felt really rubbish, as if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd have thought it was a bit rude.

I felt sad today when I thought about it, because whilst I don't think he's 'the one' or anything, I don't like to hurt or disappoint people. But my anxiety got the better of me I think.

It's also recently dawned on me that I think I have a genuine fear of emotional intimacy. It's strange because it's what I crave, but actually, when it gets close to happening, I pull away, and want to run a mile. Relationships where I haven't felt any pressure have suited me, and if somebody wants to take things further, then I want to run. I can't believe it's taken me four years of therapy with A to put my finger on it, but I feel quite depressed thinking about it. I think this is the reason why my relationships have failed, and that's sad. 

I want to go the distance with somebody, but it's not going to happen until I can fix this. I think a difficult childhood and some bad experiences are to blame, but I need to be able to work through it. After all, it's not really normal to want to run when someone's getting close to you is it?

I'm a bit fed up but maybe now I know what exactly it is, maybe I can start to do some work on making it better.