Nail varnish

I do enjoy making a mess in the name of blip :)








Self pitying ramble alert:



I don't really bother with nail varnish anymore, or make up or nice clothes or jewellery or any of that stuff. One of the effects of the last year that I'm finding hard to deal with is a complete loss of self esteem. During treatment you lose your hair, eyebrows, lashes, you lose your fertility, you lose a part of your body - you lose your femininity. With the constant tiredness as well I feel more like a haggard 70 something than a 30 something and no amount of make up is going to change that. I just want to feel young(ish) again and have a day when I don't feel completely knackered.
I know it's more or less over with now, but it doesn't feel like it. There's so many 'a year ago today I was' things at the moment, I keep having flashbacks to particular days, remembering how bloody ill I was and it's like I'm back there again. Christmas is going to be great this year, but all I can think of is last christmas and a dose of chemo the day before christmas eve. I thought my body's reaction to it was going to finish me off. Thinking about it makes me cry but I can't stop thinking about it. And Bella, she was so brave through all of it, keeping herself strong for me. Too much for a 10 year old to deal with, but she dealt with it.
Sorry, I needed a ramble and it's so much easier talking to a computer screen than a real person. In real life I'm 'fine', because it's easier and I think that's how I 'should' be.
I think I need to do something about this.