Troubled soul

It’s probably not especially normal to sit alone in a children’s playground with nobody else there. But I needed to be inconspicuous and that bench felt less exposed.

I was troubled. There’s too many hours in a day to fill. If I sleep more, the night will likely go wrong and I’ve got next to nothing happening tomorrow.

I should do maths but that’s a lonely and scary activity. The urgency isn’t great enough yet. I feel a bit abandoned by the educational support team. I despise talking to them but when they ignore my appointment twice, it feels like a slap in the face.

Brent was late this morning. Or he wasn’t. But he’d said an earlier time in his email so I felt rejected and abandoned when he wasn’t there when I rang his familiar intercom.

Then he called me Rachel. Twice. Do I even matter to him? I wasn’t cross with him for long, if at all. But it did hurt.

He ticked the right boxes by saying I was a complex case though - just about made up for him bluntly pointing out that Isolde is more ill than me. That hurt, even if I know it’s true.

I was also gratified (alas) by him wanting to email the GP about my cutting problem. Apparently I have to try it to not cut this week. It seems unlikely I’ll achieve that as I’m not sure I can get through the rest of today without doing so if we’re honest.

I left the park when a child came to use it for its intended purpose.