Out of My Mind

I have to say that during the last two days of nerves, I’ve found some resonance in James Blunt’s song ‘Out of My Mind’. Just the chorus, really. I’ve been going mad.

The butterflies were there today but much more in control than expected. I felt quite sad with and after Brent (he taught me that seriousness doesn’t mean crossness - a mistake I often make). But my main focus was the GP.

My poor GP was clearly having a terrible day which stressed me and made me find it hard to talk to her. I gave her my letter and she was very sweet, saying, ‘That’s really tough’ and ‘I’m not surprised by anything’.

But then it got bad because she insisted I couldn’t see her for 4 weeks. She was very firm about not being my saviour, it not being her job to counsel me and, most of all, how it was bad for me in the long run to see her too often.

I can see that she is actually acting in my best interest and for that, I’m grateful. However, it hurts and I felt like she was cross with me. I didn’t know whether I’d done stuff wrong. She said I hadn’t and, after telling me off for asking whether she hated me, said of course she didn’t. I don’t know whether it was me or the fact she was having a bad day, but it just felt like she was cross. Especially when she said she needed to get on. She did actually say at the end that she wasn’t cross so maybe it’s all okay.... I can’t deal with these relationships.

My friend very helpfully pointed me to Isaiah 66:13 “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.”. God has got me.

I went away feeling sad but at peace. I had a bath, emailed her to say it wasn’t anything about her that made me think she was cross. Cringe. And then I curled up under the warmth of my duvet for a late nap.

I woke up and remembered it wasn’t just a bad dream. The weight of it all pressed down on me and I couldn’t bear it. I tried phoning some friends but to no avail. In the end I decided the Sanctuary was the way forward. It sounds like they are busy though so I’m unsure whether I’ll get to go or not.

Waiting for the call...