A new dawn

The cardiologist said there are two areas of importance for heart health: sleep and exercise. I've always struggled with exercise. I have to force myself to it, and over the years I've worked out a system that squeaks by. But sleep? Must I regulate that, too? I love to stay up till 1, 2, or even 3 a.m. when I’m engrossed in writing or photo processing. Staying up late, basking in quiet, having the world to myself, is one of the joys of my life. I love to focus and concentrate, not be interrupted till I round out that final paragraph, get the rhythm I’m working for, bring something to completion. Occasionally I’ll still be working, unaware of time, at dawn. I’m constitutionally incapable of “sleeping in.” So if I stay up late, I’m sleep-deprived. I’ve never minded that. In my fifties I could recover on the following day. In my sixties, it might take a couple of days. But now, staying up till 3 a.m. can ignite a blast of tachycardia that lasts for weeks.

I’d like a few more years, greedy though that seems. So I’ve declared a new routine. At 10 p.m. I will turn off all devices. No more tweaking contrast or toning down highlights, not one more edit of that twelfth line in the sonnet. Not one more glance at blip and one more comment. This is very hard for me. I’ve done it once. Maybe I can keep doing it.

I was in bed by 10:30 last night and awake for dawn today, and a lovely dawn it was, you see.

Then I made tea for a young poet friend. She texted me last night that she was starting to feel “a bit insane” because there is so much suffering in people she cares about. I invited her to come to my place for tea, and we had a rich conversation. What if our job is not to fix what is broken, but to love what is breaking? 

“But the planet!” she wept. “The whole planet is fucked. We can’t save it.” What if our job is to be with it, and with each other, as calmly and lovingly as possible, as it goes down? Can we offer brave, kind, attentive listening—for people, yes, but also for trees, mushrooms, crickets? Can we let presence and attention, and the love we generate, sustain us? Can that be enough?

It’s 9:27 p.m., so I'm running out of time. I won't make many comments tonight.