348.33 miles / Enter One

Shortly after blipping yesterday my Dad called me. My Aunty Pat died late yesterday afternoon. My heart broke. I know my Dad was holding it together on the phone - he'd not long since had the news himself. I know that today he is likely to be making arrangements and will spend a huge part of the day on the phone. He is next of kin. There isn't anyone else really, apart from a couple of friends that have been so good to Pat and have been acting as carers as her health deteriorated in the past few years. True friends.

This entry is largely for me to try to get my head round what I am feeling. Please don't feel that you have to read or comment.

My Aunty Pat lived in Cornwall - almost on the most Southerly point. 348.33 miles from here to be precise. I've not seen her since 2004, but despite the miles, and the day to day life that gets in the way of contact with people who mean so much to you, she was often in my mind.

Pat was married to Jim. Jim died 10 years ago in July, approximately 2 weeks after James, my boy, was conceived. James was named in memory of Jim. Both Pat and Jim were a big part of mine and my brother's childhood, and continued to be as we got old(er) ourselves. Holidays when we were kids were spent in Cornwall, and more often than not, Chris and I would choose to spend our evenings (and sometimes our days) with Pat and Jim at their summer home. From March to September, when Jim was alive, they moved into two caravans on a local farmer's field, which were real cosy home from home. Gardens and lots of space to run around, which was perfect for their two dogs (nell and Robbie) and their 3 cats. We used to go on night-time walks through the fields, with Jim and the dogs, up to the cliff tops so we could see the moon shining down onto the sea at Kennack and Cadgwith. If we looked inland, we could see the sometimes ghostly view of Goonhilly Downs satellite earth station with its many radio telescope dishes.

When Jim died, that was the biggest loss I had dealt with at that time. Since then I have lost my dear grandad, and as a family have coped with the loss of my nephew before he reached 1 year old. I am not coping any better with loss as I get older. Pat's death has hit me hard.

She was such a kind hearted soul, cared for her animals more than she did for herself. When she lost Jim, she did lose her soulmate. In her passing, at least I have some hope that she might be reunited with him in whatever place she might have moved onto now.

I spoke to my brother to let him know, and cried on the phone to him, which I didn't want to do. But he asked if I was alright, and that was that. His comment to me was "in a way, its the end of an era". And I think that is what makes this a little harder to take - because a little part of my brain had put Pat in a section that said "will always be there"...and now she's not. Wise little brother advised me to remember the good things, not dwell on her passing. He is right, but it will take a little time.

I downloaded a song last night that he had told me about two days earlier ...Sol Seppy - Enter One (on the right hand side of the screen, about 3 tracks down you will find Enter One - it can be played free of charge). He did warn me that last night might not be the right time to listen to it, because it would make me cry. He was right. But I have subsequently listened to it a few times and found the lyrics, and in some respects, they sum up what I hope for Pat ...that she has found Jim and entered a better place.

This week will mean Travelling to Cornwall, helping Dad to clear the house if I can, attending a funeral which will likely be me, my brother, my Dad and a couple a friends of Pats. And whilst we are there, we'll visit the grave of my grandparent's, who are buried in the churchyard at Ruan Minor, near to Pat's house. Its going to be a difficult week.

Lyrics - Enter One by Sol Seppy

After a storm
I want to be brave
And keep you warm
And not fade away
As we float from the shore
Into the light
Into the unknown
Like thousands of lanterns
Glowing with grace
In glorious silence
Descending through space
To a friend
A sister in need
Who is not alone
And they are surrounding her
And they will enfold her outstretched hand
In our love

Into the light
It's hard to believe
It's always been ours to give
And to receive
I want to be shameless like the sun
Moving into you
Entering light

Welcome
Inch'Allah, Inch'Allah
Enter one amazing grace is pouring down
Fear not this light
We are of this light divine
So come
We move as one
Amazing grace is pouring down
Fear not this light
We are on this light divine
Welcome
Enter one

After a storm
I wanna let go
Of the things that I?ve done
Without any worry
I wanna come home
Into the light
Into the unknown
I want to be shameless
Like the sun
Moving into you
Enter light

Welcome
Inch'Allah, Inch'Allah
Enter one
Amazing grace is pouring down
Fear not this light
We are on this light divine
So come
We move as one
Amazing grace is pouring down
Fear not this light
We are on this light divine
Welcome
Enter one