without becoming pictures

By lani

despite the snow, despite the falling snow

I cannot explain the extent to which I am at the end of my rope.

I love winter, I do, but my shoes are soggy, my socks are soaked, I got stuck in the driveway this morning, so much so that I had to pile up broken twigs under my tire to establish some makeshift traction.

I love my job, I do, but my fuel cost is approaching astronomical levels, my routine is catastrophically out of alignment, and my paycheck isn't even elastic enough to stretch cover an entire month.

Today was the kind of day that served to reinforce both this level of love and this level of "no, really, I honestly cannot take any more of this" frustration. On my way to work, as I said, I got stuck in the driveway and had to dig my way out all hurriedly and with cute hair, then a Fiat of all things cut me off at an intersection, and as soon as I got to work, I found that almost everyone was being very short, impatient, and unnecessarily grumpy with students. This, naturally, makes me incredibly uncomfortable and not slightly grumpy myself.

However, immediately upon settling in, I had nothing but absolutely great sessions and great students all day, one after another all day long. Toward the end of the day, I went up to find another student and apparently, the next student on the list had specifically requested someone "incredibly patient." A little trepidation here, but the assistant asked if I'd take him -- I have a good reputation. He was an absolute sweetheart, and not requiring any real patience on my part at all. All went well and easily, I gave him a card, I got a firm handshake, and we were both on our way.

At the end of the day, I realize that my hours this month have been abysmal at both of my jobs (the one due to the unbelievable storm and the other due to an unbearable lack of focus) and that as usual, I am bleeding money. However, as soon as I pull into the driveway again, I see this, the sun flickering off of slightly melted ice crystals on the snow.

I have never been one for moderation, in truth. I have lived a life of feast or famine and even on days like these, I recognize that that's how I like it. Once in a while, though, I think how nice it would be to see buds on flowering trees again. Once in a while, I imagine how wonderful it would be to surprise J with an amazing surprise like he orchestrated for Valentine's Day (and to be able to afford it).

"Someday" has ever, not even once, been good enough for me, but today, I guess it's all I have. At least in the meantime, I recall how nice it is to have a blip to look back on and so, here you are.

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