Day 108


state of mind


(have not reported on state of mind in awhile, but I know people have been interested in these cycles of grief because if you have not experienced them, at some point most of us do.  it is like being thrown under the bus.  You are doing so much better, carrying on with life and even a few pleasures, limited but still nice occasional visits and talks, and so on. then something small happens - and the gulf opens and you fall deep down down down.  but the truth is you recover faster than you did, even you can tell that.  


but where the hell are all these tears coming from?????  the car ignition would not let go of keys?, turns out the gears were not recognizing car was in park - turns out this is a problem that suburu has been fixing and they gave you 1/2 the repair in a "coupon", and you were able to use a loaner for the day - so why on earth the constant breakdowns even now?  


i think because the kindness of strangers breaks the heart, because the loaner was keyless and that freaked you out but of course you figured it out.  and the rest?,  just the endless missing and facing all this alone.  but still these strangers kept checking in and you barely held it together, they could tell for sure --but they cared ---and kept up with their end of making sure you knew it was getting fixed.


it is all such a surprise - the well of missing and sadness that seems to not empty --- tomorrow will be better - may i go to bed at 8 please with warm milk and graham crackers and skip brushing my teeth?)