By LuckyJim

Excuse me while I... zzzzz...

Synchronicity - I had just been saying earlier today that I needed to suss-out who our candidates are in the upcoming elections as I've not been following the Scottish news at all in recent weeks and we'd not really received any party political bumf yet. I arrived home to find this little bundle piled behind the door. There was actually more than this, but I only shot 1 leaflet per party. Bloody hell.

So what are the first impressions of this year's delicious menu?

Top row, L-R...

Scottish Voice. 'Nice' leaflet, but who on Earth are you and what do you stand for? One thing is for sure, you look like sinister weirdos. A cursory glance puts you in the Robert Kilroy-Silk mould. Next!

The BNP. Dangerously idiotic bastards. 100% true.

UKIP. "Sack the MSPs - Enough is Enough!" Haha - kudos for the cojones! Arse-hats.

Local Health Concern (independent). More power to your elbow, fair play, etc. etc. Yawn. 3 salient points from the leaflet are: "Increased police presence, Traffic calming, Dog fouling". Maybe we can get the extra cops to shovel big piles of dogshit into the middle of the roads - that should slow down the boyracers?

2nd row, L-R.

SSCUP. The Scottish Senior Citizens Unity Party. Mmm, catchy. I have absolutely nothing to say about them.

Scottish Labour. If they think I'm even going to open their filthy rag of a leaflet this time around, they can think again (Well, I might sneak a peek I suppose - purely for research you understand). I have just realised that I recognise our incumbent MSP not through any tales of derring-do in the community but from seeing him on the station platform on the way to work in the mornings. That tells you all you need to know about his profile in the area I think. Brace for backlash, me hearties.

Lib Dems. Totally unsurprising disclosure time: I am one of nature's Liberals. Rumours that I have piles from sitting on the fence for so long remain unfounded ;-) I will say though, that our local candidate looks sadly to be a rather wee, fat, shiney-faced mo'fo. In other words, the identikit Scottish politician. Our 'proper' MP seems a hard-working, decent sort however, so tactically they might keep the Wilson vote. Oh those lucky beasts, I don't hear you cry.

Lower Middle bit.

SNP. Speaking of first impressions vis-a-vis yer common and garden MSP, who is this corpulent cackheel? I will read their material with an open mind and most likely ignore it as usual. Alex Salmond is a likeable chap, but my overriding impression is that the rest of his gang are total lightweights - though definitely not in a literal sense.

Bottom Row, L-R.

SSP. As a bleedin' heart leftie sympathiser, I sort of feel I should give them the time of day. There's no danger I will cast a vote for them though

Scottish Conservatives. Very interesting - the leaflet is plastered with this young dude's name and fizzog - and he looks the very model of your Cameronian "compassionate conservative" (eh, how does that work then?) - but only buried deep inside the gatefold can you find a (very small) Tory logo. "Scottish Tories - The party that dare not speak its own name". Maybe there's a reason for that? Oh yes, it's called a burning sense of shame.

Solidarity. Hahahaha. The return of the ever-entertaining, tikka-tinted, champagne & cocaine socialist. Right on brother. Numpty extraordinaire.

Green. Ho hum. Well at least they're consistent, and not completely mental. They may well garner my 'x' on the regional list I suppose. Will need to check it oot.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Well damn, there's an hour of my life I'm never getting back. What a sadster - you'd never guess I was at a bit of a loose end eh?

At least our nation's printworks are doing alright this month.

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