IVF Journey: Drugs day 25

This is my IVF diary. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for three and a half years now, and have a diagnosis of 'unexplained infertility'. We have finally reached the top of the waiting list for IVF - a form of assisted conception. I'm blogging about what happens as it happens, as a kind of therapy for me and as an awareness raising exercise of what IVF is all about.

This is my abdomen, it seems I've been sticking the injections all in one place and its gone a bit gross. I've started using another bit since I noticed this!

So today is Mothers Day, which has been a tough one over the last couple of years. Because I'm not one, and not through choice. And Facebook just goes on and on and on about it... Last year was awful, I was at the point of waiting to go o the IVF waiting list. Yes, they make you do that. All I saw was the hopelessness spanning out in front of me with no end in sight. But this year is easier, as we are actually taking action. The husband was so sweet though, he got me a card today which said "be brave today, it may be filled with nonsense about motherhood." That made me happy, and gave me courage to face it.

So speaking of the husband, he's taken the photo today and written a bit about how this process is affecting him.

A bit from the husband

This is really my wife's story, and rightly so since it is her that has the arduous time here. She has the injections, the hormonal and physiological changes, the bulk of the hospital appointments, and the associated rescheduling of work. This wouldn't be happening without me though. My part of the IVF process is technically pretty easy. I have to "provide a specimen" of semen into a jar on the day the eggs are harvested.

In the same way I've had it easier over the last 3 1/2 years too. It's not my body that has a monthly cycle that reminds me in no uncertain terms that we haven't been successful in conceiving, it's not me that has to worry about how pregnancy will affect my body.

It's a bit more complicated than that though. I'm the one that really wants a baby. Of course both of us want a baby or we wouldn't be doing this, but I don't think there's any question that I'm the one who really, really wants a baby that is biologically ours. She has always said she never wanted to do IVF, and I always accepted that, and I know I haven't pushed her into it, but it is definitely something she is doing for me more than for her.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not desperate for a baby right now. I rather like my life the way it is, I'm terrified about the disruption, terrified whether we'll be good parents. We're at that age now where it's time to do something though. We're both still young enough that the odds are in our favour, but that won't last forever, so we're seizing the opportunity now.

I feel pretty positive at the moment. It all seems to be going well. She is coping well, her body is doing the things it's supposed to do. It seems like our chances are as good as anyone's, and that's good. I'm surprised how not awful it is. It might work this time, it might not, but nothing so far has been bad enough that we wouldn't be able to seriously consider another go if this isn't our time. It's all good.

I really just have to play the supporting role until my little moment with the plastic pot. I just want to look after her, try to make sure she has everything she needs to cope with all the stuff that IVF is putting in front of her. Hold her hand, with my fingers crossed.

So I'm focussing on that really. I still get the update phone call after every hospital appointment, which I await with a little trepidation. Of course I have my own optimism and fears, which when along with with looking after her mean it's all a bit emotionally draining for me, and combined with a busy work life (with some changes going on over the last few weeks) I've been feeling pretty exhausted.

I'm really proud of her for writing this blog. She doesn't live with her heart on her sleeve, and usually other people don't know how she's feeling. It's wonderful for me to see the comments on here where people are seeing her the way I do because she's being so open. Keep up the great work folks - between us we can give her the support she needs to get through this!