Empty

It's taken an awful lot of time to find the energy to process some pictures, or, truth be told, find any joy in them of late. 

I'm posting this on the 11th, as this was one of the most horrible days I've had in a while. After a pretty rough first week of school, I woke up on Saturday feeling better, and filled with optimism for the sunny day ahead. 

Sadly it was not to be. My boss texted me in the early afternoon to share the terrible news that lovely H, my best friend, suffered another heart attack and died. She was just 38. Gutted doesn't even cover it. I immediately phoned my boss, and she was in tears, and I think I just remember repeating "oh my God, oh my God" over and over again. Once I hung up the phone, I properly sobbed. 

I can't believe it, and yet I've feared it for a year, but still can't understand how we got here. I spent a lot of the day crying, and speaking to kind friends and colleagues, who were also upset, but recognised that I was not ok, due to our very close friendship. 

I know that officially everybody thinks it was Covid, but she struggled with the Type 1 diagnosis all year, and I've been desperately trying to help her, almost expecting something dreadful to happen, and now it has. 

As my mum said kindly, maybe I just ran out of time. I think the 'cross' on the floor is another sign that this wasn't inevitable.