Windmill 'De Bloem', Amsterdam

'Bloem'  sounds like 'bloom' and means 'bloom' or 'flower'... but also 'flour' (as in cake).  'Bloom' has Germanic origins, 'flower' Latin origins.

Built in 1768 and still blooming!

Went to work, worked, went on the hunt, went back home.  While at work, I spotted my boss and reminded him that this was the last month of my current contract, and that I would appreciate it if they could give me more certainty about my position as I would need to look for other employment if they didn't have any more plans to retain my services.  He said that Management Team were meeting this week and I would be informed soon.  Of course, he didn't promise or guarantee anything, but that was all right.

The probability of rainfall today was predicted to be above 50%.  Fortunately, that proved to be wrong -- the sun shone very brightly in the afternoon with hardly a cloud in the sky.  I thought it was about time for another windmill in the capital.  My morning lecture and perusals finished on time, leaving me free for the drive and back.  The rain came much later, long after dinner, at least in our part of the country.  What I particularly appreciated about today's choice, aside from the mill, was the free parking area right next to it, along the A200, or Haarlemmerweg.

Very pensive again when I got back.  Sat on the couch, which was quite warm with the sun shining directly on it, and talked with AW.  It is one thing to 'understand' that there is such a thing as domestic violence, and to analyze it and what causes it, and it is another thing to observe and wonder at how, despite this objectivity, it cannot be denied that one is utterly changed by it and by the hate that comes with it.  Every time I go on the hunt, or on a day trip, or enjoy myself some other way, there is a layer of guilt and anxiety, and sometimes panic, that overshadows everything.  I know there are people somewhere who just positively hate me.  Nothing to be done, and I don't seek to change them.  Rather, I wonder at it.  I am naïve in my amazement.  Feelings like theirs are very normal, I suppose -- hate, envy, jealousy, and all the varieties of these.  I told AW that I've come to realize that they've felt that way towards me for years, some of them since I was a child.  Nobody ever told me so to my face.  Instead, many things were kept from me, things I'm discovering only now.  Sometimes it's as though nobody wanted me to live, neither the real ones nor the second-hand ones, and it would have been convenient if I had simply died, but of course they couldn't just get rid of me.  And then AW replied, in Dutch, 'Well, we are not going to let that happen, are we?'  And we continued to talk in Dutch, and that grounded me in the present again.  It is a constant challenge to live like this.  The feelings surface when I'm relaxed, like when I'm on the road, as though I'm not allowed to feel good.  My twisted mind... :D))

Thankful for the warmth of the sun... for a good day at work... for today's mill... and for AW.