Meantime, in a Kirkwall Café

Jessie: I see all the highheid yins of the United Nations will be gathering in Geneva in October tae discuss world peace.


Bessie:  Will they be haein’ clapshot ?


Jessie:  All you think aboot is clapshot – even in July.


Bessie:  Nivir mind.  Just think what Bertrand Russell could have achieved wi’ a guid plate o’ mince ‘n clapsot.  At the very least I hope they get wan free sausage with their delegate pack. 


Jessie:  Did you see Elsie on the Legion Dance floor on Saturday night ? Doing the samba in her satin pants.


Bessie:  Wi’ her b’hind they’ve been sat in aall right.


Jessie:  And that boob tube is no’ advisable, at least wi’oot a wheelbarra.


Bessie:  Ferly.  Can she still crack walnuts ?


Jessie:  So I hear, though I wouldn’t like to watch – even through the wrong end of Airchie’s binoculars.


Bessie:  Jessie, why are you so maudlin’ nooadays?  Have you lost your teeth again?


Jessie:  Well, I’ve been four months noo wi’oot me Lexie.  I miss him more than iver.  Don’t you miss your Ivan?


Bessie:  No, he’s still alive.


Jessie:  I thowt I attended his funeral two months ago.


Bessie:  Oh, the funeral that ended in a scrap?  Hid wis the funeral of Big Dennis, mind on he wis in wor’ class at the skewel.  Remember he went on to St Andrews to study philosophy.


Jessie:  But of course he was aye bletherin’ on about bloody Schopenhauer.  But as I telt Dennis, Schopenhauer wouldn’t have kent if there wis 23 pence off Daz.  Well, he wouldn’t.


Bessie:  Whit aboot Omo?


Jessie:  Careful, Bessie, Ca’ canny.  You have to be more PC. You can’t be saying Schopenhauer nooadays.


Bessie:  You mean PC McFedries?


Jessie:  Yes, he was first on the scene when Jimmy Heddle’s kye escaped.  There was such a jam on the Kirkwall gyratory system that he took immediate action.


Bessie:  He called for reinforcements?


Jessie:  He took oot his flask o’ tea.


Bessie:  Do you think St Magnus was really a martyr?


Jessie:  Remember her at No 6?  Now, she was a martyr - to wind.  Remember only two weeks past she cleared the ferry terminal in seconds.


Bessie:  I see McConnachie’s panther has escaped again.  Well, I’m assuming it has, I noticed wor postie had broon breeks.


Jessie:  Weel, I heard McConnachie dropped his camera at the wedding last weekend and upkilted himsel’.


Bessie:  Well, that’s minded me on, it I must go to Fletts for some chipolatas.