Spinning a yarn.

Cancer: A teeny misunderstanding with the Inland Revenue, leads to a 45 year stretch in Barlinnie. But fear not! The gruel is made to a recipe by Mary Berry, your bunkmate (Crusher McCoy) can be occasionally cheerful (usually after he's just stabbed someone in the leg for hogging the tv remote) and your memoirs, 'Crusher and Me: Our Nuptials in the Nick' will eventually be made into a docudrama, starring Christopher Biggins and some bloke from The Archers...

Libra: A colourful advert in the 'Personal' column of The Women's Realm, leads to you signing up with what you think is the Knitting Group of Berwick. The introductory pack surprises you slightly with pamphlets on 'Macrame Your Own Missiles' and 'Knit One, Kill One', but it's not half as weird as the stuff your partner gets up to at the golf club, so you keep quiet and carry on crocheting Kalashnikovs...