I’m bored, Carol. BORED.

I hope you are having/have had a brilliant time on holiday and that your children allowed you to get w@nkered at least once.

I sort of went on strike while you were away. I didn’t come in to work for 3 days until it was agreed that they would pay me more money.

Now I am sort of like a high-class gigolo, if you will.

Like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman that time.

I am no longer one of those BAs who stands on street corners wearing leather trousers and having to provide his own lubricant.

There was a fight in the office yesterday.

Well, sort of. It was rubbish.

Voices were raised, then someone stole someone else’s phone—I don’t know why.

There was a lot of:

“That’s MY phone!”

“No it isn’t! It belongs to the Scottish Govt!”

“Go away! You are being very unprofessional!”

I really wanted to go over there with The Big Book of Bad Words and say,
“Look! THIS is the point in the discussion where you should call him a ****. Otherwise stop arguing because it’s just making me cringe.”

We should really hire you as a Rude Word Consultant.

Anyway, I am glad you are back.

I am bored.

End of message.

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Ola!

As you can see, I am virtually fluent in Spanish after my very lovely break.
Earliest bed time: 1.00am. Latest: 4.30am. Average: 2.30am.

Not sure there was a sober night other than the last evening. Great fun.
Have already been questioned about my lack of tan.


Do I look like a sunbather?


Quatto cervezas por favour


Fluent.

How did Phonegate end?

Was there a punch-up or did it fizzle out in a sea of resentment?

Now that you are high class, do you hang out at the races and charge by the week?

I hate to be cruel (LIES LIES) but I think it would be ambitious for you to hope for $3000 for the week.

In fact, I have just calculated that with inflation, that $3000 in 1990 would actually be $5500.

That would be nothing short of ridiculous.

I now have that scene where Richard Gere comes back to the hotel and Julia Roberts is only wearing a tie—but with you as JR.

I may be sectioned by the end of my working day.

It is YOUR FAULT that I now have “It Must Have Been Love” playing in my head.

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You sound in an AWFULLY good mood. I’m glad you had a great time. 

Not that it hasn’t been just AWESOME here too. I’m glad to hear that you enjoyed lack of sun. I’ve never seen the point of sunbathing either. I just end up hot, bothered and smelling of coconuts. Not appealing to anyone.

Also, have you ever noticed that the people who nude sunbathe are the people you’d actually pay to keep their clothes ON?

No-one needs to see a nut sack that looks like a couple of oranges rolling around in a hessian bag.


There should be a law.

Evenings abroad are way more fun anyway. They are nice & warm and alcohol-filled.


Phonegate was rubbish. Seriously, I was hoping for tears or hair-pulling, but no.

We are too professional for that sort of thing.

I suspect I would make way more than the 3 grand Julia made that time.

Firstly, because Richard is now a crumbly old geezer and therefore desperate, secondly because I supply my own hamsters and tubing.
I would be wearing a tie and sporting a penazzle, if that helps you complete the picture.

Oh, how I’ve missed our conversations.


You have replaced my “Song of the Day” which was “Dy-Na-Mi-Tee-Hee” by Ms. Dynamite with Roxette.

I think that’s an improvement.

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You would have to make sure the tie wasn’t too long, otherwise it would cover the penazzle!

Practical, that’s me.

Would you be singing “Wild Women Do”?


I have been looking up tools for your trade.

 Unfortunately, Richard must have bought a job lot.

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A long tie would COVER the penazzle??

Clearly you’ve been underestimating me all this time. I’m insulted.
I’m not sure that “Wild Women Do” is appropriate for me.

I would go either with “Like A Virgin” a la Madonna, or possibly “Drrrty” like Xtina in that video that time.

I am horrified, yet at the same time impressed that you have had time to Amazon hamster tubing.

I’m guessing that not a whole lot of thrilling investment management work is happening in CarolWorld today.

Our flat finally goes on the market this week.

Yes I know we’ve missed Spring by about 3 months.


Shut up.

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In an attempt to be positive, the weather is very spring-like.

Do you reckon anyone with Richard-type tastes has bought that tubing?


So glad I’m not a hamster.