Eager Beavers

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellow,

Sarah Millican is in town! Tonight me, Caro, Ellie, AJ, Mo and Briar all went to see her perform at the Michael Fowler Centre. 

This was by way of my birthday present to Caro in advance of the big day next Wednesday. As for AJ, it was his birthday just two days ago and so this was Ellie's present for him.

"We're going to see a SHOW," she teased him beforehand.

"It's not 'Hamilton' is it?" he said, looking apprehensive 

Caro and AJ. They are very much alike. 

Before the show we had dinner at Moonsoon Poon or "The Wet Fanny" as Ellie calls it. It seemed appropriate. And as you can see, Jefe and Manda came along for dinner too.

It was such fun! I hadn't seen Ellie in AGES. Also, Manda and Jefe had just come back from their Xmas tour of the South Island and so were full of stories and larfs. 

Sarah was supported by Sally-Ann Hayward who talked a LOT about her fanny. It was interesting to compare her fanny humour to Sarah's. To be honest, I think what I prefer about Sarah's fanny is that she describes it like a little person. Or a pet. 

Sarah talked about how her fanny was sensitive. "But not like in a 'she cries at The Green Mile' sort of way," she added. "Not that I'd show it to her," she went on. "There, there," said Sarah stroking the area. 

She said that her fanny is so sensitive she can detect if someone was sucking a mint in the venue. "I've got a tingle down there," she said. "Maybe just a Polo Mint instead of an Extra-Strong next time."

Sally-Ann's fanny was much more in your face but had less personality. Her fanny didn't make me laugh nearly as much. Although she did have a fun joke about dissuading men from wanting anal by telling them she has a tapeworm called Roger. 

Roger! I don't know why that made it funnier. It just did. 

As for Sarah's fanny, she talked about taking her to a health spa where she did flotation therapy. She was concerned when the lady told her NOT to rub the flotation pod water in her eyes but went in anyway. 

"My legs were on fire and my fanny EXPLODED," she said. 

It turns out the saline in the pod had triggered her sensitive fanny and she had to run back to her hotel room to find something to put on there. "Like a f*cking fire extinguisher," she said.

But in the end she settled for a damp face towel.

"I don't know why it's called that, I never use it on me face," she said. 

"When I slapped it on there, it was like the sound of someone putting a match into a glass of water," she went on. "Ssssss......!"

Caro noted that most of the audience was women of around her age. Consequently, menopause and perimenopause came up quite a lot. "When the f*ck will it be MY turn?" Sarah raged, heartily sick of periods.

"Also, I've heard that when you reach menopause, IKEA send you a free white sofa," she added.

There were lots of other fanny and period and sex related jokes too. Some of which I understood, some of which went flying over my head although all the women were laughing so I think they must be keeping things from us. 

Although I did understand when she talked about misuse of toilet brushes. She said her husband didn't so much use the brush effectively but made Poo Candyfloss with it instead. She described the toilet brush holder as containing "Poo Soup".

I need to emphasise NOT IN OUR HOUSE. In fact this bit caused me to check out the brush when I got home. SPOTLESS. POO-LESS. PRISTINE.

And of course, Sarah did the thing where she asks the audience questions. This time it was, "Name something unusual you have in your bag". One chap cheerfully announced he had duct tape and cable ties. 

"Duct tape or duck tape?" asked Sarah. She then mimed a flock of ducks being taped together. "F*cking love my job," she announced. "I never thought I'd be miming that ever."

Sarah drew the obvious conclusion and decided that cable-tie guy was a serial killer. "You might not want to announce that to a whole audience love," she advised. 

She told the audience that one woman in York had announced that she was carrying a wheel of Stilton in her bag. "But it's wrapped," she said. 

"Not well enough," the man behind her had said. 

Anyway, the lady in York had gone on to say that she was carrying the cheese "for medical reasons". Sarah was confused by this and asked her York audience if there were valid medical reasons to carrying cheese. 

"To mask the smell of her fanny?" suggested one lady. 

And there we were. Back to fannies. Not that I minded. The theme of the show, Sarah said, was to explain how she went from a shy, studious girl at school, who dressed like an old lady and helped the teachers, to a woman who talks about her vagina to roomfuls of people for a living. 

And she said that it's because she used to love entertaining her family around the kitchen table even when she was younger. "And now it's like my kitchen table has just got bigger," she said. 

Awww. 

Sarah left us with one last little bit of advice that she said her granny gave her when she was young. "Never put anything in your mouth unless you want to," she had said.

"That's why I'm overweight and my husband is sad," announced Sarah. 

The evening ended with all of us getting either 'Late Bloomer" or "Eager Beaver" badges on our way out. "Badges," Sarah reiterated, "not badgers. The Americans get very confused."

Speaking of the Americans Jefe and Manda didn't want to miss out on fun so they had booked themselves in to see "Nosferatu". I must ask them how that went. 

As Saturday nights and birthday presents go, I am going to call this one very successful.

S.