Hospital Day 4: Wham! Cardiac Arrest and Crashed!

Today is about the contradictions of Death and Life...

Yes, I had a CARDIAC ARREST!

It all started when I was told this morning of the results of the CT SCAN. Apparently, my cancer has markedly enlarged from 7.5 to 15.7cm and that it is pressing on the bowels creating an obstruction. Oh, the hurt of it all!
I was then referred to Surgery bec my tummy wasn't getting any smaller and my whole body was edematous. Surgery then came and wanted to attempt an NGT insertion. I did warn them that I've never experienced it and that I was really bad at gagging to the point of collapse. But did she listen?! "NO!" So there we went, 1st barbaric attempt without an inch of gentleness not even for a colleague but for fellow human being. So I gagged coz it was all coiled in my throat. Bleeding on throat started. But did she stop? "NO!" 2nd attempt: another traumatic attempt which led to me getting sick all over, and gagging nonstop shouting I'm going to pass out, but did she listen?! "NO!" She said she'll be back in an hour and try again. That was when I passed out, turned cold, pulses not appreciated, blood pressure dropped and...

"CARDIAC ARREST! CRASHED!

It was all so surreal.. It was not just white light calling to you, it was the sheer brightness and quiet and peace of it all, enveloping you, making you feel safe and secure and that nothing will ever harm you. One could easily succumb to it.. But then I keep hearing Mr M's voice shouting my name in the distant background, "Mimi, don't leave me! Don't leave me! I can't bear it! Mimi! Mimi!" And another kind voice calling my name as well.. I had to come back for Mr M and soothe the pain in his voice..

Opened my eyes, but I was still enveloped in the brightness.. Then everything came into focus after a while.. First I saw was Mr M, in tears.. Oh how my heart broke.. Couldn't say anything as I just held his face.. Then looked to my left, the other voice: the kind anaesthetist who didn't give up on me when everyone else was asking Mr M to let me go and sign a "Do Not Attempt to Resuscitate". I was high on drugs and first words I said to him; after of course telling Mr M I'm fighting and that his love brought me back; told the anaesthetist: "You need a shave!l" LOL

They wanted to operate right away, to relieve the obstruction, but not necessarily to remove the tumour, in short, to pull out a segment of the bowel and let it drain openly -- a colostomy. So, even in my groggy state, I said I will decide and if you open me while telling me I might die while on OR then I refuse. I said a colostomy won't help and will just bring more complications. I wanted a repeat CT scan. So a repeat was done, and lo and behold, the tumour moved a bit and there was no danger of obstruction nor perforation. I was left on my own, well, left with those who cared, including the anaesthetist who came with us to CT scan just to make sure I was comfortable.. And then friends from all over came pouring, from London and Birmingham.. Helping us, giving us strength and being our "prayer warriors"..