I have recovered (and then had a week off).

How is the new job? Do you hate it yet?

Why are you at the Gyle?!

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Hello Carol,

Having a week off sick and then a week off is shocking behaviour. I hope you weren’t actually sick on your week off as well and that you got to do fun things.

It’s a funny sort of job. I am working on 2 projects, one of which is fine and one of which is RUBBISH.

I’m theoretically doing data mapping, which is fine, but no one has written anything down here ever.

The column names are no help. They are like:
“user_defined_field_1”, “user_defined_field_2” and so on.
Thanks, whoever did that. Big help.

You know what I am like about documentation so I am being fairly obnoxious about it. Start as you mean to go on.

I told my PM that I feel like I’m working on “Project WTF.” She took it well.

I am at the Gyle because Tesco got my CV, had me interviewed and a job offer within a week.

Standard Life (Group and Investments) were still f@rting about a month later.

Ditto Sainsbury’s, Lloyds, HSBC, RBS and Scottish Widows.

I would have LOVED the HSBC job. True, it was in Stirling, but they also were going to let me work from home two days a week.

The idea of sitting about doing office work in me knickers was very appealing.

In other news, NZ emigration plans have gone back again.

Long story short, after the flat was sold we realised we don’t have the money to go this year without living in a hovel when we arrive.

And as Caro keeps sending me pictures of $500k houses I reckon the hovel option is out.

Now I think we’ll be going September 2017, so basically putting the whole thing back another year.

And this effing referendum means that the £ is now worth buttons against the $NZ. Annoying.

I went to see Deadpool last week.

It is the greatest film ever made.

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Pants, I was going to ask if you wanted to go and see it.

It is a 15 so I think it would be irresponsible of me to take my 12-year-old.

That’s a shame about NZ, but on the plus side, it gives me more time to catch up with you.

Do you fancy catching up at some point? I haven’t seen you for aaaaaaages.

Rachel is annoyingly in a dance show all next week so it would have to be the week after.

How about Tuesday (8th)?

Can’t do a massive beer night because:
A: I am a complete lightweight
B: I seem to suffer from hangovers these days
C: I am a complete lightweight

So gentle beers or dinner (or both).

I am also available for lunches, but I don’t know if you are still escaping on the tram at lunchtimes.

It is Rachel’s birthday this weekend.

I made her a ‘smiling pile of poo’ cake.

I had to explain to Maurice that it was an emoji, rather than me just making her a pile of sh1t!

I will send you a photo.

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Amusingly, I was round at a friend’s house 2 weeks ago who has two boys (6 & 8 I think).

All they wanted to do was talk about Deadpool and their dad was patiently trying to explain they’d have to wait 10 years before they could see it.

They’d already seen the preview and decided it was suitable for them.
“Bloody iPads…” said their dad.

I would go to see it again if you want to go.

I think I missed about half of the jokes because (surprise) I’d been drinking.

Or we can just have a gentle, Derby & Joan night of light drinking followed by Horlicks and an early bedtime.

Tuesday 8th sounds ok, but we may have issues convincing Lisa to not drink like a b@stard.

The lunchtime tram isn’t an option anymore, sadly.

I still catch it, but it’s now a 10-minute walk from the office.

So if it’s late or anything I would basically just be coming to town and then jumping back on a tram to get back here again.

Oh, and I’m no longer a flexitarian or whatever the eff I was. I’d been doing it to feel healthier but spent the entirety of Xmas break feeling like a bag of @rseholes for various reasons so realised it was a complete waste of time.

I just got your text!

The Poomoji cake looks brilliant!

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I don’t mind.

Happy to go and see the film but will find someone else to go with.
No point in you going again.

Sniff!

I want to drink like Lisa but my lightweightness is rubbish at the moment.
Last night I went to Cat’s for a glass of wine.

We drank 2 bottles between us and I drank way less than her.

I was fairly squiffy and talking absolute guff.

I probably should have taken the hint when she started removing her make-up, but no, I just kept right on blethering until 1 am!

Not sure I let her get a word in.

Useless.

No one is going to want to drink with me soon.

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I am actually completely with you on the drinking thing.

On our way to Wiesbaden, Malcolm, my evil little Cumbrian friend, persuaded me to start on the whisky in the departure lounge.

The plane was delayed a few times so his line was,

“Nae bother, time for another sherbet then.”

Also, we had beers on the plane and then that evil Weissbier with the live yeast in it when we got there.

I have very rarely in my life been so ill.

I lay whimpering on the floor of my hotel room doing that sort of chundering where you think,

“That is EVERYTHING I’ve ever eaten EVER, surely…” and wondering how my death would be reported:

“Idiot Dies After Yeast Overdose.”

So basically that was me off the beer for the rest of the holiday.

I made up for it with Stollen and Schnitzel, though.

Fine then. Shall we go to the Star Bar?

It is not at all convenient for you, but they have an eclectic jukebox and we can play The Monkees, Neil Diamond, and ABBA and drink wine spritzers until we feel mildly dizzy.

If you want to eat first I’m sure we can find somewhere nearby.

Also, I will act out the entirety of Deadpool for you.

It will be way better than going to see the film.

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Oh dear. That is a very sad story. Chundering is never good.

I am happy to go anywhere. Star Bar is fine.

You can act out Deadpool. Do you already have the outfit? I fear you probably do!

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Excellent. I just realised I organised that without even trying. 
 
I am awesome. 
 
I think I’m seeing Lisa this weekend so will update her on plans then. 
 
Of course I have the outfit! Caro openly encourages me to wear things that completely cover my face.

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Excellent. See – it is easy making a plan with me!

Still trying to delete the image of you in that outfit from my brain!

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It is very fitted. Quite snug in places.
 
I’m not helping, am I? I should stop.

But seriously, there are some parts of it that I need to talc myself into.
 
What are your thoughts about Batman v Superman?
Me and a bunch of sad men are going in about a month.
We are very excited.

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I suspect you should stock up on Canestan (just to be on the safe side).

I will see if the girls want to see Batman v Superman.
I think it’s a 12A.

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Your helpful suggestion reminded me of something Caro was telling me about that I feel we need to discuss.

Have you heard about those chicks who have taken to making bread with “home-made” yeast?

Also those women knitting sweaters from balls of wool hidden in places other than a knitting basket?

I believe it is something to do with reclaiming the foof.

Just so you know, I’ll be looking askance at any home-baking in future.

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I have heard of the knitting but not the baking.

Not fancying anchovy bread.

Imagine if it was explained to you after consumption! Might end lunch rather abruptly.

It’s funny, I knew I had put that ball of wool somewhere.

Been looking for it for ages.

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I double-dare you to bring in traybakes and then break it to your team afterward.

I’m trying to hold in the giggles.

No-one at Tesco Bank must be allowed to know the real me.

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Banter with my colleagues is all fair and well, but as the rest of my bank of desks is male, I fear it might induce a bout of the winter vomiting bug.

I am giggling at the fact that I couldn’t even explain what is making me laugh if someone asked!

I wish you were back here.

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I’m now wondering where the live yeast in my Weiss Bier came from.
That would explain a lot.

I miss you too.

Surprisingly little fanny talk in the world of commercial banking.

And NO-ONE appreciates Neil Diamond.

This office is actually full of hipsters.
They don’t really annoy me, but they all look the same.
I’m almost certain that the bloke with the beard who I keep calling “Dave” is actually five to eight different people.

P.S. Tell whichever useless effer who got my CV at SLI to pull finger next time. I mean, it’s ME for eff’s sake. I am awesome.

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I found out yesterday that the project I worked on for Scottish 

Government is £100 million over budget and being investigated by the Economic Crime Unit.


It wasn’t me, I swear.