Meantime, in a Parallel Universe

Ivy: I'm no kidding I was agog.  It wis this long and he wis trying to poke it through the letter box.

Violet: Whit a cairry on.  Do you carry smelling salts? 

Ivy:  No, bath salts, so l kept him talking and phoned the boabies.

Violet:  But what did Eleanor do when approached by the Bobby and the Provost's wife?

Ivy:  .......well, she did what any respectable, refined, woman would do and took her daschund out of her handbag.

Violet:  And then ?

Ivy:  It sniffed the air

Violet:  And then ?

Ivy:  She shuvved it back into her handbag.

Violet:  And all this in front of the Provost's wife.

Ivy:  She's nae his wife.

Violet:  Oh yes, of course, she's a nihilist

Ivy:  Come away she's a stoic.

Violet:  Just as me and Big Bill were climbing into bed together, yesterday efternoon, jist efter Coontdoon, l caught a glimpse o' his electronic tag.  And, although it must have been a trick of the light, I'd swear he was wearing false eyelashes.

Ivy: Have you seen his ex on the Legion dance floor ?

Violet:  Aye, legs like a flamingo.

Ivy:  She's some sicht, especially with her big lugs.

Violet:  l ken, she can't go oot in high winds.

Ivy:  Never heed Coontdoon - l still miss Bamber Gascoine.

Violet: Yes he was a true gentleman.  Mind on when he, and his entourage, came to open the new Kirkwall Golf Club clubhouse?

Ivy:   l wis waiting on yon nicht in the golf club, I'll no forget it.  He ordered a muckle gigantic prawn salad.

Violet:  Aye, it wis his starter for ten.

No conferring.......