Gulls at the waste food lorry

To give you an idea of my approach to writing my life story, here's an extract from today.

I always thought that I would start my biography by writing “I was born at an early age.” But that would be a cliché and a bit ridiculous. So here goes.....

I was born at an early age in a Glasgow hospital by caesarean section. Being a caesarean baby has its advantages. Because we haven’t had to fight our way out, or even worse, been sucked out, we look less stressed on arrival. My mother thought I was beautiful, unusual I believe for a first time mum. I was so beautiful that I made her cry.
    ‘If you are going to cry, I’ll have to take your baby away from you,’ said a nurse.
    ‘Have you never cried tears of joy,’ retorted my mum.
    ‘Certainly not,’ said the Calvanist nurse.
    ‘Then you’ve never lived,’
    That was a good answer, Mum. My mother had a facility for firing good reposts at folk who said stupid things. It’s just as well that I was lifted out the easy way as going by the earliest black and and white photo of baby Martin, it seems I had a very large head. Some would say I still do.* By the end of this book you can make your own mind up on that.