A place to start

This photo depicts my loves' home, a place I'll never enter again, that held so so much. 
Many a night was spent cooking, dancing, cuddling, laughing, reclining for an evening of him educating me on his favourite films. 

I am still adjusting to the person I was certain would be my future no longer being here. 
I thought the pain would ease but it is persistent. Missing him overwhelms me constantly. 

Everyday I think of the things he deserved that never became. Opportunities, adventures, comprehensive care and support, contentment, to share his art and his passions, reconnection with the love people had stored to give him when he was well enough to accept it.

Being 377 miles from him whilst he was still here was hard enough. Knowing I'll never board that flight to Edinburgh again (and then 2 subsequent buses) to reach him, brimming with excitement and anticipation is surreal.

I've never met anyone like him, and I know I never will again. Many nights were spent in this flat, when I was with him, he had a way of making me feel so loved, comfortable, understood, safe, accepted. 

This might be a dark first blip but I need somewhere to share my memories and rambles of him, I don't ever want to stop talking about him, thinking of him.
I am reminded of the celebrant at his funeral quoting Jamie Anderson..
Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.