Squished Pano

Mount Selfie

In which Daftie Ascends a Peak of Personal Branding, Meets Influencers of the Spirit, and is Nearly Converted into a Lifestyle.

Having survived the Moss of Misery, fled the Kirk of Crabbitness, and dried out after his submersion in the Loch of Legalism Daftie headed upwards. His boots still squelched as he ascended the next rise. Now his heart was definitely much lighter – or at least not actively sinking.

The path ahead led Daftie to a wide plateau encircled by stones polished to mirror shininess, and questionable statues. This all surrounded a spiralling, much manicured, incline. This declared itself to be Mount Selfie. Its appearance was a strange shining hill that seemed to shimmer in the sunlight. It was covered in brightly coloured flags, motivational signs, and more mirrored surfaces that seemed a yoga retreat for narcissists. At the foot stood a massive carved wooden archway inscribed with the words

‘Welcome to Mount SelfieTM – Ascend to Your Bestest, Most Authentically Curated You!’

Beneath this archway stood a smiling woman holding a ring light and a clipboard – they get everywhere – with teeth like polished quartz.
‘Hi there, welcome! Are you on The Journey?’
Daftie replied cautiously – given his experiences so far.
‘Er, aye. I’m heading to the Holy Loch.’
She giggled – they always do.
‘Oh, sweetie, aren’t we all. But before you continue you’re legally required to complete your Transformation Profile. Pick a slogan for your path! Options include: Manifesting My Truth, Healing Loudly, or Just Vibes, No Guilt.’
‘Can’t I just walk?’ Daftie asked.
‘Walking is fine – as long as you tag us.”
He had no time to object before he was surrounded by an overly enthusiastic team of guides. One sprayed some essential oil in his face (‘That’s Inner Peace – No.4, with notes of lavender and performance anxiety). Another draped a branded shawl around him that said ‘PilgrimTM – But Make it Fashion’.

The climb up Mount Selfie was less than steep, more a gradual incline, but emotionally exhausting. Daftie was expected to stop every few metres to answer prompts at ‘Reflection Stations’ Prompts like
‘What does forgiveness look like for your brand?’
‘Name three limiting beliefs your gran gave you.’
‘On a scale from 1 to 10, how photogenic is your growth?’
At ever scenic outcrop pilgrims posed with much practised sincerity. They raised their arms in faux awe with their gaze turned skyward, with the Holy Loch pamphlet held just so.

Daftie made his best attempt to ignore them, and just kept on walking. It was impossible, he was soon accosted by this bloke in ‘activewear’ sipping some sort of green liquid out of what appeared to be a small hollowed out melon.
‘You’re climbing raw?’ he asked in a rather shocked tone.
‘Ahm just trying to get to the top.’
‘But without a mantra? Without a journey blog? Do you even have a gratitude journal?’
Daftie sighed.
‘I dinnae think that Holy Loch’s up here pal.’
The man flicked his drinking vessel disdainfully
‘Pfft! The Loch is a metaphor. The real treasure is self-actualised marketability.’
Daftie edged away.

At the summit of Mount Selfie Daftie discovered a gleaming platform of very Instagrammable stone and glass. There were at least a dozen pilgrims taking selfies in soft light whilst crying. One woman was kneeling in front of a polished quartz ring and whispering
‘I release all of the burdens not aligned with my current aesthetic.’
Daftie observed with a growing sense of bemusement. He looked over the edge. The mountain fell away down into wild moorland again. Windswept and uncertain. But free! A sign at the edge read

‘Warning: Leaving Mount Selfie will remove all curated affirmations and return you to regular life. Proceed with humility.’

Daftie didn’t even pause.

As Daftie clambered, actually more slid, down the far side the light behind him grew dimmer. He could still hear echoes of the affirmations being carried on the wind.
‘You are enough!’
‘Shine bright!’
‘Don’t forget to rate our journey experience out of five stars!’
Somehow he felt strangely clearer – maybe even relieved. He turned the page of his pamphlet, it read:

‘Authenticity is not a filter. Beware the mountaintop that is only for the camera.’

At the bottom of the page was a biro scribbled note

‘Also – don’t trust the smoothie guy. He’s selling rocks for £40.’

For the first time in days Daftie laughed out loud. Then he walked onward.