Olympic ping pong table

A really long day today. We had to do a team building exercise this afternoon which involved walking around London looking for various things and getting our photos taken at different sights. Then this evening there was a team night out at a table tennis bar. They had the Olympic ping pong table from last summer there but we didn't get to play on it, we were on other tables. It was a chaotic place, with tables close together and balls bouncing off the walls, ceiling, tables and people. I felt self conscious because even though the boss wasn't there I had a feeling I was being judged on how well I socialised with work people. I struggle in loud bars to hold conversations for long and this had the added complication of being difficult to move around because of people waving their arms everywhere. I had a fun game with someone from another team just playing fast and not counting points or anything. But when that finished I felt awkward and left after a little while.

Tomorrow morning I have another meeting with the boss. I have a feeling that he will use it as a fault finding exercise. I feel more resilient now than I did last week, not so close to panic or tears, but I don't really feel much better. I've cut a lot of ties in the past few months and some have been cut for me and I feel the intense loneliness that a lot of people who move to London feel. I spend most of my time with people I have only recently met and I don't know who I can trust. I miss my old life. I'm trying to remember that I gave it up because not everything was good and I felt constrained and frustrated but I feel totally out of my depth now. I am posting this on the internet because I don't really have anyone I can have a real conversation with.