peppermint tingles; barely there kiss of sanity

mental illness is the complete lack of a future.
what can you plan for when you can't plan on your mental state?

i miss feeling warm and protected.
i miss the humming of happiness, barely audible, just under my skin.
i can taste the acidic energy of a reverse-flowing chemical,
neuropeptides and splashing dopamine, serotonin...
please, help me to remember the right wire this time;
green over red, no wait, is it yellow? everything tangled in here
points to head-
i planned on a life of love and safety and
someone, something, had other plans.

today i start taking celexa. my panic has become unbearable. i avoid everything. just the idea of leaving my house makes me cringe. so far so good. usually this class of drugs leave me wonky-headed, hot-flashed and nauseated the first few days. that's about all. i have a severe panic disorder. i am afraid for long periods of time and it's quite a heavy burden. like many people with this mental issue, i long for the "real me" under all the drudgery of the medicated me.

what's a girl to do?