Day 30

Bad morning. I was low and anxious. (d-6 a-4) Didn't want to get up but also felt like I needed to escape. I considered doing the hoovering to take my mind off things and be useful but I was worried that would prove I was ok. Then I realised my housemate is working nights so would be sleeping and not very appreciative if I started hoovering. Instead I listened to a sermon in preparation for leading a bible study next week. Eek!

Then it was nearly time to go to Beka's. (d-5 a-4) I was quite anxious/guilt ridden and miserable as I cycled but then my bike broke which took my mind off things. All the same when I got to Beka's I don't think I was very happy. I played with Lydia there. I felt low and a bit anxious the whole time. I was tired and didn't want to keep moving round like Lydia wanted me to. But then I realised I didn't especially want to do anything. I think I felt a bit empty. It was on my mind that I was worried for some of my friends who are struggling at the moment.

When it was nearly time to go and Lydia allowed me to have a proper conversation with Beka I think that helped a bit. I didn't want to go to see my college friends but had to get on with it. It was ok but I was worrying throughout about whether they and other friends were ok.

After this I went to see one of the friends I was worried about. She was pretty sad and I feel a bit responsible for her. I don't want her to be depressed. I didn't really know how to help.

I felt a little ill and headachy when I got back. (Evening d-2 a-3)