Day 34

I woke up not feeling too bad at about 9. I had breakfast and I think I was alright watching iplayer or something but after a while wanted to sleep again. I put on some music but it was stuff that reminded me of two years ago and it just made me sad. I wanted to sleep to escape. I did sleep for a bit and then woke up and was a bit worried about when I was going to meet Alice in town.

Before too long she texted and so I got going. I made the mistake of forgetting to take my phone with me so this caused me quite a lot of stress and anxiety trying to find her. It was all quite a kerfuffle and I was fifty minutes late meeting her. I worried a bit that it might have made her feel bad when it was totally my fault but I think it was ok.

I felt bad that I didn't feel too bad, particularly in comparison to how she was clearly feeling about life. She was telling me that whenever she wanted to think about her ex she was reading Psalm 139. I think this is a really good idea. I know it is obviously not the same with me missing Lucy but I do think reading a psalm or at least thinking about how amazing God is would definitely be a proactive and helpful way to help me not miss her so much. God is infinitely better than Lucy and I have Him to talk to all the time. And He loves me so much :-).

I feel I am being so boring with my writing and I am worrying I am not accurately portraying how things were by focussing in negatives or forgetting various things. I want to tell myself it doesn't matter. But maybe I am influencing my own memory/others' opinions for when I am evaluating whether I should be working more. Argh. Jesus, please give me and others wisdom when we think about how much work I should be doing. Please let the picture of how I am be accurately portrayed through my writing. I am scared. Amen.

Anyway, after seeing Alice, I went to church. I ended up sitting in between people. I usually try to sit on an end and this reminded me why. I think I sometimes think I am just trying to make a fuss about nothing. But I definitely did feel anxious. It might not have been that I was in the middle of a row but I think it possibly didn't help. I also couldn't cope with all the people around, some of whom I wanted to talk to, some of whom I felt I was going to have to talk to.

Lydia was a few rows behind me. From previous experience I have felt less self conscious if I am cuddling her while in church so I asked Beka whether I could hold her. Then I felt really bad and like I was being a terrible person. I decided Beka was really disapproving and angry with me. I also randomly decided Helen was angry with me.

I worried I was being really bad by not taking notes on the sermon, given that I am meant to be leading the Bible study on this passage on Tuesday. Lydia got taken out. I worried even more what Beka was thinking. I worried even more about not following the sermon. But the more I panicked, the harder it became to concentrate on the sermon. I wanted to shout. I felt really frustrated. I wanted to escape into the crèche. But maybe that was attention seeking? Anyway I couldn't because Beka and Lydia were now in the crèche and I would just be a distraction again.

I couldn't wait for the sermon to finish. Finally it did but then there was communion. I didn't stand for the last song. I thought maybe I was being attention seeking. Or something bad. I don't know. I think I was just too stressed? But maybe I was just being bad?

I was so glad when Lizzie appeared beside me when the service was over. A few other people came over and I was still especially anxious about Beka so I went off to seek some reassurance from her. She said (many times due to my many questions) that there was not a problem. Lydia wanted to be held by me again which was nice.

I became aware that Helen had disappeared. I became more and more sure she was upset and that I was to blame. In hindsight this is ridiculous. When I eventually found her she asked how I could possibly be to blame. That was a relief. But I was still stressed that she was sad.

I wanted to talk to Bibs but she was in a conversation and Lydia wanted food. So I went over to the food and then felt bad leaving certain people who I felt like maybe I should talk to. I had said a couple of things to them though... Still I think I was being quite selfish. Yay that I am saved by grace, not by works, as the sermon reminded us.

Lydia was becoming quite demanding. I was feeling bitter that I wasn't getting to talk to certain people/they didn't care about me and that I was stuck playing with plastic tubes. I felt more and more stressed.

I left church feeling quite low, feeling like no one cared. I wondered whether I could pop in in Bibs. But I don't think she really cares, I thought. Thankfully my rational side won that battle and I did drop in. She said she had actually been going to text to apologise that she hadn't really got to talk to me. Her baby was very upset so my mind shifted to that. After a while we did have a bit of a chat but generally just being there, once I had stopped feeling bad for just turning up, was really nice and helpful.

I also realised that in my head I had decided Lizzie didn't like me. But hold on! Lizzie came over to me! And it was me who had left her because I was stressed and needed to seek reassurance from Beka! There is no way that that equates to Lizzie not liking me! I can be so silly!

As I cycled home a while later, I realised I hadn't really had lunch again. This probably had not helped matters. It's weird - while with Alice I had been hating that I didn't feel anything and being annoyed at my medication. I wanted to feel vulnerable and weak. But then I had felt vulnerable and weak and not liked it. And also felt a bit like it was my fault. This depression business is all very complicated.

I also felt a bit bad about the fact I have been really bad at being in contact with my family lately. The fact that the rain was so heavy and I got drenched turned my mind somewhat to needing to get back and have a shower. The lack of clean clothes around did worsen my mood though.