whoa. it's friday the 13th..

didn't even notice the date, till posting.

so this is my new home i guess.. my little messy corner of my moms basement. no privacy.... my boyfriend of 3 & a half years broke up on tuesday.. hence the lack of blips.

it's scary to lose your whole world, because thats how i feel. i lost my home, my pets, my companion for 3 & a half years.. he was always there.

i dunno. i know i shouldn't be there anymore. i don't love him. he hurt me, and i put up walls. now i can't seem to take them back down, i can't allow myself to be hurt again. because i did before. i always went back to loving him, to being vulnerable. and now i can't.

and i hate it. he was supposed to be my forever, the father of my kids. the man who was always there to hold me.

now i feel like crying.. i need to stop talking about it.

i feel so selfish for wanting to keep him, when i know he deserves more than what i can give him.