Day 87

I caught the sunrise (shame about the ugly road) before returning to sleep until I woke up at 9.20 with only ten minutes till I needed to leave the house. I failed to do everything so quickly and so, as ever, was late for crèche. Once at crèche, everyone was very forgiving so that was good. I had lots of nice cuddles with Lydia and Thomas, hooray!

I was asked whether I would like to join some of the mums for lunch in town. Why not, I thought. I had been intending to go home for lunch and to prepare for tutoring later. I felt fine though and lunch sounded good so off I went, feeling a bit stressed by how OK I was. I had managed a morning of 'work' and I was feeling fine so the reason I have been struggling lately was maybe just that I hadn't been doing enough and I should just get a job? Yes, it had been hard to get up but I'm sure nobody likes getting up. Um, Laura, you did only just over an hour of primarily cuddling babies...you cannot extrapolate from that and decide that all your problems would be solved with a full time job... Nevertheless, this continued to bother me on and off all day.

Lunch was OK but I started to not feel so great physically and possibly emotionally - I wasn't entirely certain what the problem was but I decided it was time to leave. I think I was anxious to get home to look up the stuff for tutoring. In the end there wasn't really enough time to go home so I went and sat in a cafe and tried to de-stress about the whole work stress. I decided I could look up the tutoring stuff another time. I was sure he would have plenty of other things to go through. I'm so glad it isn't paid.

I went off to tutor Alex. I wasn't very good at engaging in chit chat. I got quite tired and also felt quite ill and wanted to just leave but knew I had to still meet a friend before I could go home. I considered cancelling the friend but I pulled through. Had half an hour to kill between finishing tutoring and I did get very tired. It was a challenge to keep going. I was so glad when I was finally on the bus home.

I got home and ran upstairs saying something about needing the loo to my housemate who started to chat to me. I did indeed need the loo but I felt a bit bad and like I should really go down and talk to her. I just couldn't face it though. Nasty me. Good thing I am forgiven, thank you Jesus.

I stayed in bed feeling tired, yet unable to relax as I felt like I had to be doing a load of things.

When I did eventually go downstairs to get some food, my housemate came in and was asking me if it had been a bad day. I said I was just tired. (I am such a contrary being.) She didn't sound convinced. I felt like I was in trouble about something and she had been looking to excuse it by me having had a bad day, which I had now denied. Maybe it was the whole not chatting to her thing. Hmm.