Sunset

I woke at 4am this morning, which has to be a record for the earliest in a while. It’s been a long day. I went out and bought some baby stuff then spent the day in intervals, tidying and sitting on the sofa until my CPN appointment at 4pm.

First impressions weren’t good. He didn’t introduce himself or tell me his role and what to expect. His first line was ‘I don’t understand your situation, how did you become depressed after being a juror and getting counselling. Do you know why?’

He asked a few background questions but didn’t want the 35 questionnaire I spent a while filling in. He asked how long I’d been off. His response ‘You are doing yourself no favours being off this long’ and this was just after me telling him how I find it hard to get through a day feeling stable. He also said it’s not good to be alone all the time. But I can’t do anything about that; I don’t live with anyone, and that is not going to change. I can’t just pluck friends out of thin air. He was very strong about this and adamant I need to change this.
He strongly disagreed with the medication I’m on as he is anti-medication, and told me I need to come off 3 of the 4 tablets!
He totally ignored the fact that by this point I was sobbing. I tried to challenge him and stand up for myself but I just wanted to run out of the room.

He summed up at the end ‘you need to return to work, be around people all the time, come off most of the meds and I can’t see how I can help you anymore. Good bye’.
I walked out the surgery in tears and didn’t know where to go. Thought I wanted time down at the harbour but I didn’t, so came back up the road.

It seems nobody wants to help me, I am angry at myself for thinking they would and pinning my hopes on the CPN service.

So here I am, sitting in my flat, on my own, with my negative thoughts and that's the way it is for me.