It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

Taken today at the annual Christmas Tree festival in the local church. I love how this festival represents a community coming together to raise some funds for the church, bringing a community together and sharing a little joy. The choirs singing brought a tear to my eye and having some time to myself to reflect and listen was what was needed today. This shot wasn't a good as last years but I was taken with one particular tree and the light bouncing off the little presents on the tree. I love how all the trees are decorated to represent a school, shot, business, community group in some way and its such a lovely time of year too.

Today and this weekend has been a little busy with a Christmas Day held at my sisters. A time where her family, mine, my brother's and my mum come together to have a full on Christmas Day. My sister is away ski-ing this year for the actual day so we got together to spend some time, have dinner and exchange presents. It was an actual Christmas day, games and squabbles and all. I had a little meltdown and I can't put my finger on why. I don't know if its the pressure of work and exhaustion and the pressure of the day but got very emotional by the end over something so ridiculous. I had made some crumble bars for my brother and for whatever reason they had gone wrong, but everyone who was there saw my struggling to cut the pieces and get it out of the tin. I had stupidly didn't cut it before leaving the house and then couldn't get it out. I so wanted him to have them and to like them (him being a chef too) and subconsciously I wanted his approval. But they didn't and because everyone saw I felt embarrassed and a little humiliated because I had 'failed' and cocked up. But because my brother literally disrespects the job I actually do I think in my head I wanted his approval in something. Over something so stupid and ridiculous. When it went wrong I had the automatic feeling of failure and everyone saw the efficient, well organise me flounder and make a mistake - which I don't like people seeing. I know all this must sound like the most silliest of things to others but I have issues living up to my own expectations of myself and having to appear that I can do everything and I never fail. Interestingly the Chimp Management course of Dr Steve Peters I am currently involved in says I am putting too high expectations on myself and that it is only be worried about failing and what people think. But this little reminder shows I still have a long way to go.

Earlier this week I had my hospital follow-up from my hospital admission back in September. For those following earlier blips you would know that I had an end date for my warfarin of last week and all the confusion of whether I had finished my treatment. Well although the consultant is pleased with me and doesn't want to see me anymore, I am to see a haematologist to see if there is anything genetically wrong to make sure. I am on warfarin for at least another 3 months, if not for life. They will make a decision together about that. Whilst I was there I got talking about my situation with babies etc and I asked if I did have a clotting issue would that I have caused my gynaecological issues and also my unexplained infertility. Although she wasn't sure she said it may be linked and this is something I will explore with the haematologist. So this appointment did open some old wounds that I thought I had dealt with some years ago. Do I open the old wounds and explore further or do I leave well alone? I did feel really emotional about it all because there are still so many unanswered questions and not knowing where to turn too. But will just wait for the appointment to come. So maybe this contributed to my little meltdown yesterday??!!

On a somewhat lighter note I am on the final chapter of corrections on my dissertation, by friday (the end of term) I want to print the completed dissertation ready for some proof reading over the Christmas holiday. I want to now read the whole thing on paper to make corrections. Then when I return I will have time to make any final alterations ready for the final print. So here's hoping that I get to friday ready for printing.

5 more early morning starts to go and I am looking forward to a long awaited break for Christmas.