Cameron outlines plans to win over Scottish vote

The Prime Minister David Cameron was in Edinburgh today to attend a meeting with Alex Salmond in an attempt to assure the Scottish people that the Conservatives would do their best for Scotland in the coming years, despite the fact that the Tories only managed to secure one seat north of the border. Historically, the Tories haven't been received well in Scotland, and so before his meeting with Mr Salmond, the PM took the time to outline his new plan to win over the Scottish vote - "Like us, or the Castle gets it!" It seems Mr Cameron has given up on actually trying to convince the average "Jock Public" that the Tories are the party to vote for, and has instead drafted in the assistance of the armed forces to force people to swear their allegiance to the PM and his party. The shock move comes just days after announcing drastic cuts to the police budget and a bold (if not illegal) plan to claw back some of the money pumped in to the banking system to prop it up during the crisis of last year.

Full-scale war was narrowly avoided when Mr Salmond failed to turn up to the meeting, scheduled for 12.30pm in Edinburgh's Castle Street. When the One O'Clock Gun fired from the Castle, Mr Cameron assumed that the nationalist leader had holed himself up in the historic fortress and had begun shelling the Tory delegation in an early bid to secure independence. Mr Cameron was just about to give the order to retaliate when Mr Salmond's taxi pulled up, wherein he explained that he had been delayed due to traffic.

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Apologies, I'll stop this nonsense now.

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