Pharos VII

The news pages were filled with so many depressing stories and none that I would call uplifting. I have therefore forced to pick two news stories-if you can call them news-that I truly couldn't give a swarm of African bees about.

Bad Couldn't-really-give-a-rats'you-know-what news: - Paris Hilton's new reality show

Paris, dahling, I wouldn't watch your lame life-story-show if I were the last person on earth with the last television on earth, stranded on the only island left after complete global annihilation. You're about to enter the next phase of your life, you say, and need a show to document the fascinating process, interaction with your loser friends? Wow, that should be almost as interesting as watching snake poop dry in the shade. Can't wait to see what everyone's favorite anorexic, bleach blonde, collagen-lipped, tart is up to next. Best of luck with that.

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Good Couldn't-really-give-a-wink news: - Lindsay Lohan being tortured

Aw Lindsay, it just sucks that you can't tweet your garbage every two minutes like you're used to but the good news is that your really stupid fans will be there when you get out of this latest bout with rehab. You can always catch up with them then and fill them in on all the exciting things you plan on doing such as hanging out with and snogging Paris Hilton, shopping at the Rodeo Drive boutiques and probably getting back into rehab right around Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I am rooting for ya!