Shoulda coulda woulda

"Shut up train I?m trying to sleep
Can?t you show me a little sympathy
This is the only time I can get any peace
So shut up train I?m tryin to sleep

(Chorus)
Every time the front door shakes
Every time I hear the breaks
And that long whistle cryin through the night
I?m reminded of the way I feel
Just like that cold black steel
Gettin crushed by your wheels tonight
I don?t need no more pain so shut up train

I hope you?re happy now I am wide awake
Now I gotta deal with every ounce of this heartache
Why your moving on I?m stuck in this place
It?s all your fault so shut up train"

Somehow this song captures my heart tonight as the wheel in my head turn around and around, the accusations fly and wham bham, yes maam, its done. I picture myself in my favorite pair of jeans sitting on a railing talking to anyone who will listen, as my fingers fly over the keys and is accompanied by the click clack of them. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Ive put in more hours of overtime than I have in forever, and somehow I am still behind. There has been happiness cookies, like midnight full moon snowshoe adventures, that make me laugh so hard the next day. There have been moments of like this song, a quiet accusation that is like a knife, entering making its mark, causing its sting, and then its over, leaving a dull ache. It makes my heart hurt tonight. Boyfriend and i are on the brink of breaking up. It would almost be better if it had been in a accusation flying, things thrown at each other kind of way, instead its in the quiet knowledge that we can't be what the other person needs. it's been a hard week for both of us, we talked tonight and agreed to just step back and give it a day and pray and then decide the official status of our relationship on Saturday. Not my favorite but very necessary. Shut up train..
I blame myself of course. I always do, there are accusations, and things beng thrown around in my head, self doubt, apart of me says push yourself into the mold of what he needs Adrienne, its easy, you can do it, you've done it before. I feel like a fool, apart of me says I knew it would end this way and it would be my fault because my dreams are not his dreams, I care about him but I'm not in love with him.I'm going to laugh when in a week two weeks, a month from now I realize I fell in love with him. I feel like this is one of those epic, stupid dramatic moments in life that I have no control over. I feel like it will turn into a "didn't know what you had until it was gone." type of loves. Oh Adrienne you foolish foolish girl. But thats the way it always goes doesn't it?

So tonight as my eyes start to droop and fatigue takes over my body let me throw this proverbial question out there:

Why and how do we always wait to realize and appreciate what we have until its gone?

"shut up train.. I'm trying to sleep."