World Freak Show

There are adverts up around the place for a Model UN conference being held in Germany in a couple of months, inviting people who fancy themselves as international statesmen to sign up and go along as delegates. If you're unfamiliar with the concept of a Model UN, what they essentially do is debate what courses of action they could, or should take to resolve actual problems in the modern world, but with the blessed stipulation that whatever they decide remains purely hypothetical, and in no way affects the policies of the actual UN. (Something worth being grateful for, in my opinion).

See, aside from calling to mind one of my favourite Simpsons quotes ("Do you kids want to be like the real UN? Or do you just want to squabble and fight a lot?") the poster rather fills me with foreboding as to the wisdom and sanity of these world leaders in the making. Basically, it's a list of their "accomplishments" at previous conferences, and it's mildly terrifying to say the least.

2005 - we bombed nuclear sites in Iran
2006 - we did not do anything in Burma
2007 - we negotiated peace in Darfur
2008 - we rid Afghanistan of narcotics
2009 - we invaded North Korea
2010 - we dealt with radioactive opium

and what are we going to do in May 2011?

Well, going by their previous form, I shudder to think. After scattering high explosives on another corner of the Islamic world, and picking a fight with everyone's favourite nuclear-armed Asian lunatic, it's difficult to really see how our budding diplomats could possibly make the world a more dangerous place this year. Invite Nick Griffin to chair a committee on race relations? Stick a sign on Colonel Gaddafi's back saying "NUKE ME"? Bet Vladimir Putin that he couldn't re-establish the Soviet Union in a fortnight? Send the respective governments of the Middle East an e-mail saying "last one to get their tanks into Jerusalem's a rotten infidel"?

Even when they're not doing their level best to bring about World War Three, there's something slightly dubious about the doings of this Model UN. "We did not do anything in Burma"? What kind of bizarre denial is that? Is it the international equivalent of standing over something you've just broken and saying, "it was like that when I got here", before whistling innocently and walking off with your hands in your pockets? Or did they actually just feel the need to point out that they don't give a shit about certain countries, and habitually don't do stuff there?

I'll concede that the Darfur thing was probably a good idea, although it begs the question, if the situation's so bloody easy to sort out, why aren't you working for the Real UN? Whatever magical solution you came up with to that particular human tragedy, you might want to pop it on a postcard and mail it to Geneva ASAP, folks.

Rid Afghanistan of narcotics? If I was living in Afghanistan at this moment in time, I'd probably be grateful for a few narcotics. Imagine if that statement was changed to "we rid the United Kingdom of alcohol". Then picture the expressions on the faces of several million devastatingly sober British people (including me). Have you got that image? Good. That's more or less what I reckon the drug-deprived Afghans look like.

And what exactly happened to all those drugs from Afghanistan? Well, in 2010, the Model UN became radioactive opium dealers. Nice one. The coffee breaks at that conference must be a fucking hoot.

So, in a nutshell, this is why I will not be putting myself forward as a Model UN delegate. I will, however, be buying large amounts of tinned food and bottled water, and doing my utmost to prepare for Model conflict, Model chaos, and the Model collapse of civilisation. Model UN, do your worst!