Homesick

The last 3 years have been incredible. Incredible in a way that I almost don't believe they happened. I was engaged three years ago to the only woman I've ever truly loved. And then life happened. I got depressed, fell out of love, buried my feelings of betrayal in the shoulders of strangers, told more than a few ladies that I wanted a life with them (but not that I would never be able to deliver all of myself).

And now here I am, awakened once again by the throes of depression, although thankfully it seems to be situational.

I feel I've never truly mourned the times my heart has been broken. I really don't know if I am supposed to get over the way I feel about people who I have had to leave behind.

A great sadness washes over me whenever I let it. Like this wasn't supposed to happen. Not to me. But there's always the faintly gleaming thought that I am better than the sum of my lowest moments. I can be forgiven for my transgressions and I can forgive others for theirs. I can take all the terrible times and hold on to them as a reminder that life is fragile, but it is always worth taking a risk when presented with a good opportunity. I never do learn lessons the easy way anyhow.

So now I find myself trying to sort through the aftermath of a string of fruitless serial dating attempts and the guilt of more than a few broken hearts weighing heavily on mine. Mine which is already burdened with the great sadness of what I feel I have lost.

I have a new apartment, a new chance to define who I am today and who I want to be tomorrow. I finally have a place where I can put my collected kitchenwares to use. Pictured here is one of my favorite sunny yellow teacups and a Boyd's Coffee carafe with accompanying warming plate. Basically perfect accompaniment to the hours I've been spending recently watching Mad Men, crying over it's occasional traumatic family moments, and healing, one step at a time.

I know I can survive this time of solace, but I still yearn for closeness. It's bittersweet knowing I have to become close to and comfortable with myself before I can find closeness with anyone else.

Yet I press on. I will prevail.