one hour's sleep

I couldn't shut down my mind last night but I finally dozed off sometime after 4:30, only to be awaken by the alarm about an hour later. I'd love not to go to work but then who will record the satellite feed and more importantly I realized I can't afford to lose a day's pay. On the morning walk to work I snapped this one.
My minds all hazy.
I feel I need to continue from yesterday's post, which was purposely vague, in part because I just couldn't actually believe what had happened. Then the hesitance to sift it through my mind.
I'm still thinking about her. 5 years ago she almost destroyed me and threw me away. It took me a few years to come back from that one. Now just when I've found a measure of stability and happiness and for the first time since then loved another, she comes back out of no where calling at 2 am for a place to stay. She scares me more than anything. When she climbed up on my bed and sat next to me and we looked out across the city scape, I glanced a look at her eyes and felt a sudden jolt of fear, excitement, and an intensity of emotion and longing that I thought had been left in the past. Mostly I just felt like I was losing my mind and my way. We talked all night. We never touched but we were constantly conscious of each other's proximity and the closeness between. As morning came, our nervousness faded, given over to fatigue. I told her I had found a nice girl who I was more or less engaged to. That she was away in China for another few weeks. She said she was happy for me, that I deserved someone to be happy with.
Then she said even though we hadn't talked over the years, she still felt close to me and asked me if we would always be close like that. I said that I thought we would always be connected through what we once meant to each other, even if we didn't talk again for the rest of our lives.
She never did say why she couldn't go home that night. I didn't ask. We joked about how this moment could serve as closure for the past. She left at 9am for work.
When I woke up it was like it had been a dream that I had made up. In fact I was fairly certain I had fabricated a scenario just like this many times in the past, when I was still hurting so much over her. I took it for closure or at least, mostly didn't think on it. I didn't think I'd hear from her again.
That night I decided to distract myself with a movie and walked down the street to the cinema, camera in hand, snapping shots. She texted me and said she was going to see a movie, asked if I'd join her. I knew I should make up some excuse but I found myself saying yes.
We talked again after the movie, walking along. When we got to her car, she made as though to hug me goodbye. I hesitated and then when I tried to return the motion she had already withdrawn, our hands touched briefly, not a handshake but something we didn't expect and couldn't define. She said she'd call. I hoped to god she wouldn't while wanting more than anything that she would. I was stunned for the rest of the night.
My girl, my love in China, she is just two weeks away. I need her more than anything now. I can't be drawn back into 5 yeas ago again.