Trash

Walking along Rigg Lane, I found a singed scrap of paper lying on the verge of the road. It looked like there had been a bonfire recently, and that somebody had decided to burn their books.

It struck me as a sad way of disposing of them at first, a little too Hitleresque for my liking. Then I read the snippet that I could see, and the nasty suspicion crept up on me that this could, in fact, be a scorched excerpt from a Katie Price novel. The kind of book that you couldn't give away. The kind of book that you couldn't pay someone to read. The kind of book you'd even hesitate to donate to impoverished people in the Third World, in case it inflicted further unnecessary pain on them.

What can you do with books like that? You can't just throw them away. If they're spotted by the binmen (who, in my experience, tend to have impeccable literary taste), you'll never be able to show your face on the street ever again. No, it's far better to stoke the fire up, and let the flames consume every last monosyllable and cardboard character, every convoluted plot twist and absurd bit of dialogue. I'd go so far as to make it a public event. Why not invite the people whose holiday homes/luxury yachts/breast augmentations you've paid for, and persuade them to shovel some of their own sub-standard drivel onto the pyre?

Ah, hello Ms Price. You shouldn't be here too long; your 'literature' tends to burn up nice and quick, what with its utter lack of substance.

Tom Clancy! How are you? Still drastically overrated and nauseatingly right-wing? Best grab a spade, you're going to have a long night ahead of you.

Dan Brown, good to see you and every single person who's written their own cheap, knock-off version of your already-shite oeuvre. You will not stop shovelling until every last Shakespeare Secret, Genesis Cipher and Michaelangelo Mystery is charred and smouldering history.

Stephen King. We're saving your work from incineration on the basis that Frank Darabont tends to make fantastic films from it. But you are so close. So very close.


Okay, I think I'm done lobbing spite at rich, successful authors for today. But I'm always ready to resume at a moment's notice...