How to be a woman

I've just started reading 'How to be a Woman' by Caitlin Moran. I've needed a book to tell me this for a long time, so I crumbled under the weight of people repeatedly telling me that 'you should totally read it, it's brilliant' and bought it. First off, I should admit that I have a long standing problem with Caitlin Moran that I'd forgotten about until I opened the Amazon parcel. She's the same age as me. The. Same. Age. That's not really a big thing nowadays as most people who have books published or go on the telly are at least the same age as me, if not younger. But she's always been the same age as me. When I was 18, she was 18. While I was going into second year at Uni, she was going on channel 4, hosting a late night music tv show with Johnny Vaughan. She didn't appear to be any better, wittier, knowledgeable, intelligent or skilled than I was. She just lived in a world where you could get an actual job on tv (her and that Edith Bowman - and she's from Fife!). And because I am both bitter and intolerant of others successes, I am reserving judgement on what Caitlin Moran will be able to tell me that I either care about or like. I did however observe a few things about my day today on this subject, so here's Five Things on How to be a Woman.

1. Handle clothes pegs. Not just to seal shut a half eaten jumbo bag of crisps so they don't go soft, but to actually hang out washing.

2. Wear marigolds. Nothing says 'I'm in charge' like a rubber glove. After weeks of them laughing behind my back, I think it's time to show the bin and the bog who's really boss. We've still not quite decided, but at least we're talking about it.

3. Use tongs and emerge from a cloud of hairspray. I spent twenty glorious minutes curling my hair and I managed to run to the hall and take this picture, which we can all agree proves that hairspray is not a waste of money. My actual hairstyle lasted almost 8 glorious minutes.

4. Have a right good cry. I had one of those conversations with myself in the mirror that got me so furious I burst into tears. Screwed up face, snottery, noisy crying. It was over in no time and felt remarkably helpful. Better this happens in the privacy of your own walk in wardrobe than the 9.34 train, I always say.

5. Peel things. I make a meat and four veg dinner that involved peeling, boiling, mashing, pots with lids - the lot. What only makes this bearable though is a dishwasher. Wasting time washing pots and potato mashers will never, ever appear on this list and does not a woman make.