this luminous life.

By Laura

In This Diary.

The Ataris.

After talking to someone today about how I'm going to miss the feeling of having that one best friend I can share everything with, she suggested that's what journals are for. With that idea in mind, I looked for my old journals -- a box in my closet full of spiral notebooks, and several smaller spiral journal books on my bookshelf. My first two locked diaries are on my bookshelf too. I have journals from 2nd grade to the middle of high school. I didn't write much after middle school, though. Online journals followed.

I save everything. I like to write down all my thoughts and keep hold of any correspondence I have (including hand-written letters from 'boyfriends' during middle school). Hand-written letters stopped in the middle of high school. I have printed emails from other people. Among my possessions was also a letter from a former teacher of mine who moved to New York. His address was on the letter. I think I'm going to try to write him as soon as I can remember (I'm also long overdue on writing a letter to another person).

The picture is from a couple pages when I was writing in the dark for some reason and couldn't see where my pen was on the paper. Apparently all I did was write about how I couldn't find a flashlight. *shrugs*

My first diary entry ever.
Friday, December 24, 1993 -
At school, I like a boy named Alex in my classroom. He is cute. Ricki likes him too. I think he will ask me to merry him. I would say yes!

Some other excepts that kind of made me laugh:
Tuesday, April 4, 1994 -
Today in school Brian peed in his pants at gym. Ricki, me, Cathy, Nichole, and Sarah told on him. Alex gave me thumbs up signs.

Tuesday, January 17, 1995 -
Alex sent Lori a love letter today! He never did to me. I'm dumping him in my head until he likes me even a little bit.

Friday, January 27, 1995 -
Everything else I said about Alex hating me was wrong. He really likes me! Today I played outside with him. I'm not dumping him at all.

Tuesday, January 31, 1995 -
A couple days ago, I can't believe if I actually saw this. What I saw, was a high school boy and girl kissing each other in public! Oh my god!

Friday, February 17, 1995 -
I think I have a crush on Anthony, Matt, and Karl. If I do, which one do I like better?

Wednesday, February 22, 1995 -
Brian likes me again! I hate him. He also likes Olivia, Latoya, Jean, Magdalena, Erin, and Flor. Today, Alex shouted at me. This is becoming awful!

Tueday, May 9, 1995 -
Ryan likes me. I don't like him. Why does he like me?

Thursday, January 4, 1996 -
Scott, Scott, Scott! Jim Carrey, Jim Carrey! They're both cute!

December, 12, 1996 -
I <3 PJ even more! I told him I hate his guts, but loved his face.

August 29, 1996 -
Now I am in fifth grade. Jean is in my class. Anyway, PJ, Adam, Jean and me were working. All of a sudden PJ starts talking about girls boobs to Adam! I also like PJ. Michael too.

February 2, 1998 -
Horrible news. Anthony and I broke up. he's going out with ERIN! I like Rich.

May 14, 1998 -
I am writing this on the bus. There is a bee by me. Toula said to everyone I was such a copycat cause I was pacing back and forth. She saids she always does that. If so, I didn't know. The bee fell down from the window.

Tuesday, April 20, 1999 -
Well, word is out that I like Nathan. I put a note in his locker asking him out and I hope he says yes. He'll probably say no because of popularity. I love Nathan! I still do like Zac.

Note from November 1999 -
Adam - I haven't been in much of a relationship before, and I'm sure you haven't. This is a little bit awkward for me, especially since a lot of people are making a big deal out of this. It would be easier for me if we wrote notes. I don't know how you feel about this. Are you interested in Pokemon? I am. If you have any cards, I'll trade you.

Most of the first diary was about Alex (and apparently one day he'd be my boyfriend, the next he'd like another girl and I'd dump him, and the next day he was my boyfriend again -- ohh, second grade), boys, a teacher that I liked, and things I did with my friends. We actually created a Power Rangers group and pretended to be them during recess. I was the yellow Power Ranger. Later journals talked about more boys and two girls whom I really hated during school. One journal contained a letter to my grandfather who passed away nine years ago yesterday. In another notebook, I listed all the things I disliked. Among the items was "bloody people." I find it interesting that what I wrote about as a kid is much different than what I write about now... yet it's kind of the same topics -- but way more mature. I don't have a crush on a different boy every month anymore ;-)

Also, I wanted to be an author when I was a kid and wrote many 'books.' Back in the 90's, books sometimes came with free things. In one of my 'books,' I wanted to include a free thing. I laughed when I saw this. It was a Popsicle stick.

And.... found a notebook titled "Spelling."
Flipped though it expecting to find spelling vocabulary.
Found a bunch of hand-written spells instead.
And this drawing which made laugh out loud finding it.
I was so weird and silly....

and fantastic.
....and still am :-D

Going through my journals and laughing at myself made me feel a lot better. It's been a frustrating, highly unproductive day. Been struggling with the desire to be honest and communicate and receive some kind of clarity. Received clarity, but not really the kind I'd hoped. I don't think people really like to sit down and have these kind of conversations anymore. I'm afraid now. Don't really want to open up to anyone again for awhile... yet I'm a huge fan of deep, late-night analytical conversations. I'm probably going to start writing in a paper journal again.

The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right...

[A year ago today... creepy drawing in a comic book.]

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