Work to live, or live to work...

"Sorry, who are you?!" Benji...

My own wee brother, mum's puppy dog...

I haven't seen this little young chap since the last time I got my hair done.. 5 weeks ago... How awful is that... The only time I step foot in the house I grew up in, and moved out of 5 years ago... in over a month... is purely a fly by visit when I go home to the hairdresser to use the toilet and see if I have any lingering clothes from the past so I don't get my work clothes in a mess taking a road trip to see A... like the clothes at home were even going to fit me anyway?! - Why do I need a reason to go home?! Surely this should be natural..) I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like me if I was my mum... But somehow she puts up with me and my ever changing life... My hairdresser, also my mums hairdresser commented that she thinks I'm going "through a faze... With my hair?!" - sigh...

I'm living to work. I wake up. I check my work emails. I go to work. I go home from work. I go to the hairdresser and sit on my iPad, filling in my calendar with... Work... I check my work email. I plan my next session of music exams for my second job. Then oh wait, I have 3 lesson plans to do for my third job and some music to type up. Oh and maybe I'll just re-check my work emails, cant hurt to double check i have not missed anything.. I'll lie in my bed and worry about my own bank balance... Work's bank balance. The money i have to chase. Then worry about how much work I still have to do. Then my worries will turn to reality... I'll play on blip... And maybe just one last email check....?

Where has my life gone?! - Saying that, did i ever have a life... I'm 22 and i've worked through 13 jobs... Currently balancing 4 job titles at the same time just now and my next day off isn't for a good 2/3 weeks... Where i will probably end up working through...Hmm...

I think, The reality is my worry about the real world and life... My worries about my friends, my family, myself...Where am I going?! What's my purpose?! Why is nothing slotting into place... - maybe I'm simply covering these worries up with new worries... Or distracting myself by not staying at home on a school night. By making new challenges at work for myself... Making my life harder... Simply to occupy my mind on other things. Surely work worries... that makes these real worries go away?! No?!

No.

Last night, I lay in bed and typed this into my notes on my phone... I couldn't sleep. After I wrote this...

"Why am I crying! What have I got to cry about? I hating seeing people close to me hurt. I hate contact and then suddenly hearing nothing. I always fear the worst?! Why do I do that to myself?! Why do I worry... What even is worry?! It's a spot in my head that doesnt release... It just builds and builds and builds and then my eyes explode. It's blinding sometimes."

I fell sound asleep...

I suppose it was my way of letting it out...

Blip is the only place for it.

Tomorrow is a new day, with new adventures - this blip I suppose is really the limbo of worry between yesterday and today.

Tonight I had a brilliant giggle with a special friend of mine and a epic walk down to the water of the Tay... I love it down here... Some crazy sense of belonging - one day i'll blip the pearl i got given the day i was born from the river Tay... I can't wait to go back down there in daylight... The smile is well and truly back on my face.

"if you can't hear the Angels, try quietening the static of worry.." Terry Guillemets