Contrast

2 years ago I was;
* a smoker
* heading towards my 40th with a sense of worry
* a few weeks off major surgery after years of battling to be heard
* a woman with a very poor diet that centred around cheese sandwiches and crisps
* scared witless of what was coming
* living off painkillers - or rather, surviving only because of painkillers, in sufficient quantities that would render most normal people unconscious
* crawling through my days like I was swimming through treacle
* crying much much more than I was laughing
* stressed
* retreating rapidly to a very very dark place in my head.  Very. very dark.  

It was not good.  It was not pretty.  It was pretty scary.  ME...Hebs....was disappearing into a life that was focussed only on physical pain and how to work through it.

So now, I
* haven't smoked a cigarette for 19 months
* my crisp intake has reduced seriously, as has my cheese butty addiction
* I rarely take painkillers (although the pain is still there to some extent and always will be)
* I run 5km without crying or vomiting (in fact, mostly, I enjoy it) and in a time that improves consistently week by week
* I laugh SO MUCH MORE than I cry
* I smile SO MUCH MORE than I sulk
* I don't just function, I am learning to live with myself and the people in my life without being a whingy old wind bag with nothing to talk about except pain.

I will have bad days (like this weekend just gone), but this is a lot better than 2 years ago.

So every day, I tell myself, DO IT TODAY...because in a week, a month, a year, I will then not have to regret not doing it today.  

I hope that I am becoming more bearable :-)  As I head towards an age which apparently equates with the "meaning of life", I think I am figuring it out.

xx