Nine...

"Every end is a new beginning."

The random quote is quite appropriate today...how ironic...I just closed my eyes and picked a page...

Nine days later...well, Im officially single! Be careful of what you ask for...you might just get it (yesterday's Blip). I'm truly OK. I don't need this Noah in my life right now...he is not good for me, or for himself. He has changed and went totally left field during the past few months...he is not the person I fell in love with, the person I planned to build a life with, no, the person who I promised my life to wouldn't have allowed a small bump in our relationship become the impossible mountain.

I don't know who he is anymore; nobody does as a matter of fact, not even his family, he has become a stranger to them as well. He is banking everything on one person to help make all of his dreams come true...he had success with music early on, and boy did he ever have it...he wants it back, which I don't blame him. As a musician...being on stage is everything. And everyone else is pretty much in the way right now. Selfish and immature way of thinking in my opinion...reminds me of that character in that movie...Lord of the Rings...Gollum. His entire existence was about the pursuit of the ring...that single minded mentality just consumed him...he lied, betrayed, cheated, hurt others...he was just crippled by his obsession.

Noah is simply not the man I thought he was...I never thought he would betray my trust, my love, us, everything. It wasnt even in the back of my mind. I trusted him completely. I don't deserve to be treated the way I have, especially when I have been nothing but great to him. He is no good for me, I know that. Ok, to be fair, that's just me talking in the moment...but I know the person I fell in love with is still there, the person who made me think we could concur anything that was thrown at us...and I truly and honestly believed that...but right now...no way...he is a complete stranger to me. Who knows what the future holds though...I've learned a lot lately about the quote "never say never"...

Yesterday was nice. I spent the entire day with my friends Tara and Allen. We grabbed lunch and watched football. Then Tara and I went shopping for a few hours. Found shoes ;) Boots actually, and they fit my small feet! Found the perfect sweaters...everything I was hoping to find, I found! Great four hours of shopping therapy. Didn't even think about Noah. I did once, when I came across some kitchen knives that he has, that I've been wanting for a while. Went back for dinner at their house. It's kind of funny, someone who had an absolute crush on me years ago was there with his new girl friend.

He was interested in me about 2 years ago...I didn't want anything to do with relationships...it was the first time that I've been single since 15, so a relationship was the last thing on my mind. It know it hurt him, me turning him down, he just kind of wrote me off...even though we had a great friendship and always had a blast together.

Last night we actually had a conversation for the first time in years...a normal one. I made a random comment about Cirque Du Soleil and he quickly made a smart comment about us having plans to go, and how we didn't. I honestly don't remember that, but he must have after all these years. So I had a few jabs thrown at me ;) Whatever...hes a cool guy and has a beautiful GF...just wanted to tell him to focus on that and let the past go...I think my look accomplished that.

We just all sat around and ate popcorn...watched Knocked Up...just laughed it out. It was a great Saturday...just what I needed, to be around my friends. I needed their support. On the way home I heard a song...perfect song for the moment, how I feel...went home and looked it up...it's my feelings set to music...Leona Lewis...

I will be just fine...because I'm strong. Because that's who I am. I am a nice person, too nice I've been told...and too proper...but you know what, that's just me, who I will always be. I'm loving, giving, forgiving. I don't get mad, I don't fight back, I don't like speaking with a tone and get all angry...it's just not in my nature. I didn't rely on Noah to make me happy - that's something that I have within myself. But he sure was a damn great partner to have by my side...I would have spent my life with him in an instant...from the beginning...he knew that.

It's no secret how amazing we were together...how alive our love was...that connection, that passion...how great we could have been...that part hurts, but I don't have that Noah anymore, haven't for a while, he is overshadowed by some greedy, hurtful, and selfish person who has only one thing on his mind. I hope it's all worth it to him, because he is the one who has to look himself in the mirror at the end of the day. Only time will tell how things will turn out...for him...for us. He knows I will always be here when he needs me...because that's who I am. I believe 100% that there is a reason for everything, that life is all in order, the way it is supposed to be.

Off to yoga class...and then work on my presentation for tomorrow. Tomorrow is an important day for me...big preso, final one before my program goes live! I'm so nervous...good nervous!