Eight...

"You find true joy and happiness in life
when you give and give
and go on giving
and never count the cost."

Early breakfast blip today...grapple's! They are Washington apples that taste like Concord grapes...delish. Havent touched sugar in a few weeks, I was craving something sweet this morning...gave me my fix.

A little bit of a rough morning...had a dream about Noah...it's still with me. Nothing bad, it was great...us being us. Makes me miss him.

The Holidays are going to be hard on me if we don't get a resolution to all of this...it's my favorite season of the year...we planned on spending Thanksgiving and Christmas together and I was so looking forward to that. Just spending time together.

The Holidays mean a lot to me...it's not about the gifts but about being thankful...spending time with the ones you love...relaxing. Christmas is my favorite holiday...always has been. I enjoy everything about it - it's like I turn 10 years old all over again! Last year was so great.

My friend Sean and I stopped by Williams-Sonoma yesterday after lunch for a bit...my eyes just instantly went to things I knew Noah would like...he is such an amazing cook! We got out of there quickly...I could spend so much money in there!

Part of me just wants to cut him off completely, for good, and not look back...that's me just wanting to protect myself and shut off. This break is making me really uncomfortable, I just never liked the feeling behind it. Even with us talking - it's so cold and not right...not to say I love you at the end of a call is just awkward to me. I miss that too. So what, I just went through hell the past two weeks, so if things dont work out, Im going to have to go through it again?!

I dont know what his thinking is behind this break - maybe hes upset and needs time because he was found out and doesnt know how to deal with it, maybe he doesnt care and has just shut down, maybe he does care but doesnt know how to open up and say I'm sorry for hurting me, betraying my trust...I don't know...Noah thinks in his head too much. I just wish he would talk to me, really talk to me.

As much as it would hurt, and I can't image it hurting any worse...I honestly want to get past this and move on - either with him and work on healing us or without him. There is not one day that I havent thought about him and cried. The hardest is late at night...when Im alone with my thoughts...that's when I miss him the most.

Off to start my day...shower...hair cut....yoga...then shopping. Going on a short trip with my friend today...she wants to do some Christmas shopping...great, we'll see how it goes ;) Then we are just going to hang out and watch movies for the day...relax...be lazy. I need that.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!