A Wandering Minstrel, I

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen, permit me to introduce myself.

I am Rapido Diamanto, your leading tenor for this evening, I am delighted to be here in Settlehalls Dance Pavilion and Spa, in person, to sing to you some of my favourite songs from the operas.

But first let me correct a few errors which have crept into the biographical notes in the programme.

Firstly my name before I became famous was Douglas Ramsbottom, not Dougie Shortarse. I first came to the notice of the public when performing on '" Englands' Emerging Baritone Amateur Hour Gives Us Music" or as it is better known "Ee Bah Gum"

I were working, sorry, I was working in sorting section of local abbatoir when me mam , beg pardon, my mother saw a bit about auditions in the paper. She were, was, a tripe handler in beef line. And she is now my personal manager, she makes sure the black pudding is waiting for me after every performance.

The auditions was held at Leeds Town Hall, not Doncaster Miners Welfare, and I sang Che Gelida Manina, not as is printed " Ey Up Lass, Tha Hands A Bit Parky"

After winning top spot, I had a right good time, London Palladium, met Prince Charles there, and that old bird he's got now. Paris Opera House duetting with Carla Bruni, her that 's married to that short french bloke. Then we did a tour of Asia and I was asked to sing in Sydney Opera House whilst Rolf Harris painted the back drop for Madam Butterfly.

After that I had a bit of a mishap at Covent Garden, playing Romeo and slipped whilst climbing up balcony, wasn't too bad, getting the tights of were sore though, had to sing falsetto for a while, but some of those girls parts are reet interesting.

Very soon I was rehearsing for the Demon Barber and the critics did say my Figaro stood out amazingly. I was proud of that.

Next week we are in the Albert Hall with Alfie Bass and Susan Boyle in a tribute to Gighli, where my Tosca will be out to the fore. It's a charity do, for comedians who have been caught out in tax fiddles without donating to the Tory Party.

So with no more delay, lets hear it for the leader of the BlackSykes Treacle Works brass band who are going to accompany me in the opening Overture from Gonad's Faust.

I should just add that there will a silver collection at the main door on the way out, and that the fire exits will be locked, so no escape there.